The Bachelorette recap: Dodgeball, cheaters and crying men

Last night was like a gigantic tornado of emotions. I can say that at one point throughout the episode, I was either feeling sorry for someone, laughing hysterically at someone, feeling very uncomfortable for someone or just flat-out bored. Let’s start with the boring part…

Whenever the couple goes to a “private concert,” I immediately take that chance to take a nap. It’s always an artist that no one has EVER heard of.

Also, I’m done watching disgusting make-out sessions. It’s like, “Figure out how to use your tongue, people!” Watching Desiree kiss these guys is like watching a dog lick an ice cream cone. Nasty.

I was also beyond bored watching them dance on the side of a building in West Hollywood. Seriously, there was nothing to it. No drama, no fighting, no romance, no interesting conversations… just two people risking their lives to dance horizontally five stories high.

Let’s move on to being uncomfortable. I get very uncomfortable when people role play. It’s creepy, odd and brings out everyone’s inner tool. I could tell which guys are trying to be actors in real life, and sadly enough, they sucked anyway. I already know that I’m a total brat and get turned off super quickly, but I was beyond repulsed by how geeky and dumb these guys looked during the country-western movie scenes. Also, I wanted to push a few of them over when they were walking up for the dodgeball date at the beginning of the episode. The way they were walking in with their “game faces” on to throw some soft balls at each other, acting like they were entering a danger zone, was so dorky, I can’t even go there anymore. Yes, Brooks broke his finger. No, it’s not because it was dangerous. Yes, it’s because he is not as athletic as maybe he should be. (Cue all of you who are obsessed with Brooks to lose your sh*t and freak out on me. Please do — it’s always entertaining.)

I was worried for our crybaby Brandon because I think he is emotionally unstable. Who tells their deepest, most serious issues on national television? And then cries uncontrollably about them? Brandon does. And a lot of other odd ducks have done the same in the past. I blame Brad Womack. Before that weirdo’s second season, the show wasn’t about “opening up.” Now look at what he has done. He has turned this into f*#%ing Dr. Phil. It’s the third episode, people! Save that drama talk for the person you are dating until you are serious — or at least the only one they are dating.

When was I laughing hysterically this episode? Every time I remembered these white dorks rapping to Soulja Boy last week. VOMIT. They even started speaking in ebonics. Those guys thought they looked so rad, but they looked like they fell out of the Mickey Mouse ghetto.

And finally, the last subject I wanted to touch upon: Brace yourself: You might not be happy with what I’m about to say. If I were Desiree, I would have sent James home in a heartbeat for two reasons:

1.) I would have wanted him to go be with his dad during this critical time. The odds of marrying are slim, and the odds of staying married are even slimmer. Come on, look at the show’s statistics.

2.) The main reason I would have sent him home is because I would never want to date a guy who chose to be on a reality TV show over spending precious time with his sick father. If any of you give me that bullsh#t excuse of, “He was looking for love,” I will cyber smack you. You don’t have access to your phone on this show. Or anything, for that matter. So why would he even go on? I feel the same way about people who leave their children to go on this show. Ridiculous. They are all attractive and educated and have zero probs finding love in real life. THEY. JUST. WANT. TO. BE. ON. TV. And TV is the LAST place to be honestly looking for true love. Yes, in the past, I was there for “the wrong reasons.” Sighhh.

Thanks for reading! See you all here next week. Follow me on Twitter for no reason at all: @nataliegetz

Natalie Getz is a TV personality, blogger and fashionista from Chicago. She does publicity for Adonia Organics and is a buyer for the clothing boutique Apricot Lane. In her spare time, Getz loves to blog about all things fashion and comedy and is a contributing writer for The Los Angeles Fashion magazine. She also hosts several TV shows and Web series and is currently hosting Model Turned Superstar (coming fall 2013) Getz appeared on ABC’s The Bachelor and Bachelor Pad, which she won and in turn took home $125,000. Getz resides in Hermosa Beach, Calif.

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