Hey, we don’t begrudge celebs their hot bods. After all, most of them work pretty hard for those bodies. But that’s not to say we don’t have a few choice thoughts when we see pics of gorgeous gals like Katy Perry flaunting their figures in bikinis.
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Seriously, whatever. Who needs a pert rack and taut tummy, anyway? I’ve got a push-up bra and Spanx. Besides, I once won an award for being able to eat the most marshmallows in one minute. Bet Kim Kardashian can’t say that for herself. Ha! Joke’s on you Kimmie.
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Gah, I’d kill for Elisabetta Canalis‘ abs. My diet starts today! No more junk for me, no sir. Sh**… I still have Girl Scout cookies in the pantry. I’ll start that diet right after I polish off this sleeve of Samoas.
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Sure, Gretchen Rossi has a great bod. But we’re going to go ahead and blame that on the fact that she doesn’t have any kids because, quite frankly, it makes those of us who are parents feel better about our stretchmarks and saddlebags — and the fact that cardio for us these days consist of chasing our kids around the playground trying to get them to drop the unidentified object they found under the swing set, which we’re praying isn’t cat poop or a crack pipe.
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I can only imagine how disciplined Emmanuelle Chriqui must be to have such a super-toned figure. She probably has a personal trainer who makes her do, like, a million lunges a day. Damn. That sounds exhausting… I’m just going to curl up with my small-child-sized bean and cheese burrito and take a little siesta. I dedicate this nap to all the Chriquis of the world.
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Could Maria Menounos look any better? Sh**. She probably hasn’t eaten bread in five years. Damn, now I’m regretting that burrito. Why do carbs have to taste so good when they’re so damn bad? Double sh**. I really love pancakes.
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B****, please. Good luck with the tan lines you get from that crazy macrame-like bikini top, Brittny Gastineau. Don’t get us wrong — you look fierce. But after a day in the sun in that getup, your jugs are going to look as splotchy as a Jackson Pollock painting.
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Seriously, Miranda Kerr? You have a kid and you still look like this? What the hell am I doing wrong? You know what? Don’t answer that. I give up. I’m pretty sure I’d have to spend an eternity doing squats to get an a** like Kerr’s, so I’m dunzo. Now, please excuse me while I go drown my sorrows in long- distance phone calls, gossip and re-reruns of What Not to Wear.
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Daaaaamn, Bey. Why ya gotta make the rest of us look bad? We like you and all, but we’re starting to believe those rumors about the Illuminati. And for the record, we’ve never been quite sure what jelly you were talking about, but if this is what it looks like, you’re right… we’re not ready for it.
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Someone give me a glass of wine — scratch that. A bottle. ‘Cause it’s going to take some serious vino for me to get over the fact that Katy Perry circa now looks better in a bikini than I probably did circa my glory days. Can we just all agree that no woman with such a perfectly petite figure should be able to look so good with big (also perfect) boobs? I call party foul.
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Phoebe Price is 41 years old, and her body in a bikini seriously looks like it could be a 20-year-old’s. Could someone tell my 30-year-old a** that? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure it ages in dog years. Angel of death, take me now and spare me the sight of it what it looks like when I’m 40.
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There’s just no way. C’mon, Jessica Alba — give up the goods. What’s your secret? How do you have two kids and that body? There is sorcery behind this, I tell you. Sorcery!
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Listen, Kelly Brook. We really want to like you. We really do. But when you hit the beach with curves like that in a bikini like that, it makes it difficult for us. How can we enjoy the rest of our lazy day in sweat pants and a baggy tee while your genetic superiority is staring at us from the pages of Us Weekly?
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Truth. So please, in the name of all things holy, please don’t let us hear about it if you have, in fact, eaten a Twix bar in your life (with or without the wrapper). It is much easier to think of you right now as a stick figure with no soul who has never eaten a carb in her life.
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Also, not a fan of my love handles. Wait, do these pants make my a** look fat? Damn, I think my a** makes my a** look fat. Couldn’t you wear a swim dress to the beach or something, Nicole Scherzinger?
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Damn, I’m old. I fondly remember the carefree days of my teens and early 20s, before my breasts began migrating southward. Enjoy it while you can, Vanessa Hudgens. Enjoy it while you can. Gravity won’t be your BFF forever. It’s only fair.
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