If Miley Cyrus and Beyoncé had a love child, it would be Kylie Minogue‘s raunchy new video Sexercise. In it, the 45-year-old pop star proves that we’ve been working out wrong all along (and that you’re apparently never too old to twerk).
GIF via Kylie Minogue
Things start off reasonably enough. Minogue appears to be stretching here, an important part of any workout process. After all, you don’t want to pull a hammy… or, you know, your vajayjay, which seems far more likely if you’re following Minogue’s workout moves.
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GIF via Kylie Minogue
As you can see, Minogue doesn’t waste much time getting a little frisky. We like to call this move “the middle school boyfriend,” ’cause we haven’t seen such impressive dry humping skills since our days of slap bracelets and Sun-In.
GIF via Kylie Minogue
While we’re open to the idea that there must be some merit to this little workout move, we’re having trouble moving past the fact that there are some seriously spiky stilettos in very close proximity to some seriously sensitive places. We’re pretty sure ER runs don’t count as cardio.
GIF via Kylie Minogue
Minogue must use the same trainer as Beyoncé because this segment looks an awful lot like Queen B’s moves from her “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)” video. Then again, it also seems totally believable that they could just be pantomiming the funky chicken.
GIF via Kylie Minogue
Something tells us the inventor of the exercise ball didn’t exactly intend it as a vehicle for twerking. Yet here it is. Wonder if it feels as violated as Miley Cyrus’ giant foam finger? Speaking of Miles, we’re starting to think based on these moves that Minogue is secretly Cyrus’ sex workout guru… or vice versa.
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GIF via Kylie Minogue
Because what’s sexier than Riverdance, right?
GIF via Kylie Minogue
Listen, Minogue… we’re not saying you’re not a sexpert, and all, we’re just saying you’ve got a bit of an a**/cheese-grater-kinda-situation going on here. And call us crazy, but cheese-grater-a** doesn’t seem all that sexy to us. Although we’re pretty sure the fence is a fan.
GIF via Kylie Minogue
Wowza. Ladies and gentleman, say hello to the pelvis thrust. When it comes to sex workout moves, this one clearly lives up to both components. Sex? Check. Workout? Double check. Her quads are probably on fire right now, thanks to this provocative squat.
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GIF via Kylie Minogue
Again with the squatting and the exercise ball. Is there some super top-secret instruction manual for the exercise ball that we missed? Because we’re pretty sure we’ve been doing it wrong our entire gym lives.
GIF via Kylie Minogue
A part of us finds this smoking hot. The other part wants to slap a pair of leg warmers on and crank up “Maniac” ’cause this — the hair, the ensemble, the move — has a distinctly ’80s Flashdance feel about it.
GIF via Kylie Minogue
Minogue obviously intended for this to be sexy (and a testament to her impressive flexibility, perhaps), but all we can think about is what would happen if that heel she’s yanking on were to come off from the force of her pulling. Check the trajectory, people — we’re talking heel to the skull.
GIF via Kylie Minogue
Look, Minogue’s a yogi! Of course, this little move is called Child Pose and, well, Minogue’s version is not what we would call child-friendly. (Unless you’re talking about trying to make one, in which case, by all means proceed.)
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GIF via Kylie Minogue
No. 1 — If that’s what Minogue’s a** looks like at 45, sign us up for the nearest sexercize sesh. No. 2 — If ever she decides to start a family, this image will haunt her. It will be her albatross. Or a**batross, rather. No. 3 — She’s totally doing a lazy girl push-up. We recognize it well.
GIF via Kylie Minogue
The sexercize workout program apparently includes an end-of-session massage as a reward for your efforts. You just need about six perfectly manicured chicks in flesh-toned leotards to rub you down. It’s kind of like that night in college when you and your sorority sisters had one too many Cosmos. Don’t play coy.
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