Why is everyone freaking out about this Fifty Shades of Grey teaser photo?

OK, ladies, let’s step it back a notch. We know you’re excited about Fifty Shades of Grey hitting theaters next year — we are, too! But this picture of Anastasia pressing a pencil to her lip is so G-rated, we’re starting to worry about the film’s marketing team… and about y’all.

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Here’s the thing: Pencils as euphemisms for male genitalia is so 1950s, we can’t even pretend to break a sweat looking at this. And yet, hordes of women seem to be going gaga for the pic.

What are we missing?

Photo credit: FiftyShades / Twitter

This is supposed to be a super-sexy, ultra-naughty, high-definition adaptation of an S&M erotic novel, right? I mean, fans have been breathing so heavily over the book’s pages, I’m afraid to even touch the copy at the library lest the pages be stuck together.

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And yet, for their protagonist’s birthday celebration (a wonderful opportunity to tease us), Universal Pictures gave us a picture of Dakota Johnson almost-nibbling on a boring black pencil with the not-so-mysterious name, Grey, monogrammed on its side.

(Sigh.)

We’re all about getting pumped up, but couldn’t the marketing minds over there get a little more creative? A little more nitty-gritty? Couldn’t they at least try to help us generate a little anticipatory perspiration? A woman holding a pencil to her lips might have been sexy back in the day, but it’s hardly anything new in 2014. The only thing more cliché would have been for them to send out a picture of Anastasia eating a banana.

I’m also more than a little confused about who the target audience for this promo pic is. A “phallus” in the face isn’t exactly my ideal sexy-time-photo… I’d much rather have gotten a sneak peek of Jamie Dornan with his shirt off.

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What do you think about the Fifty Shades of Grey tweet? Is it hot and sexy or bland and boring? Let us know in the comments below.