50 Cent‘s explanation for his poor performance pitching for the New York Mets is epic, so we took it and applied it to a bunch of other celebrity incidents.
Photo courtesy of PNP / WENN.com
So if you haven’t been following baseball, 50 Cent took to the Citi Field last week to throw the first pitch before the New York Mets game, and it turned out horribly disastrous — as in Fiddy pitched it about 5 feet west of the intended target. Whoops!
Well, the incident immediately drew the entire baseball elite to proclaim the rapper as the worst celebrity pitcher in history, but Fiddy wasn’t having any of it. You see, there was a medical reason for his poor performance, and he was happy to share it with his fans during a Reddit AMA question session.
“I have a skeletal muscle injury on my left shoulder from excessive masturbation so take it easy lol,” the rapper responded to a fan.
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Just to reiterate — because this is pretty legendary — 50 Cent botched his pitch due to an injury attained from excessive masturbation. There’s a fantastic joke nestled somewhere in there. Like, is this why the rapper also has such overly developed biceps? Boom!
Obviously we’re not going to just let this go. Can you imagine if all celebrities used this excuse for their embarrassing moments? Well, we did the imagining for you with a few examples. You are welcome.
1. Miguel’s leg slam at the Billboard Awards
Photo courtesy of FayesVision / WENN.com
Listen, it wasn’t really his fault. When Miguel attempted to hop from one stage to another during his performance at the 2013 Billboard Music Awards and accidentally pinned a fan to the stage with his super-leg, it wasn’t a lapse in judgment. He was simply light-headed from “excessive masturbation.”
2. Jennifer Lawrence’s tumble at the Oscars
Photo courtesy of WENN.com
It may have been funny, but the cause of Jennifer Lawrence‘s fall at the 2013 Oscars was a serious one. The actress was horribly dehydrated and weak in the knees due to a leg injury obtained through “excessive masturbation.”
3. Ashlee Simpson’s 2004 SNL lip-synching incident
Photo courtesy of FayesVision / WENN.com
Clearly we now know what happened here. Ashlee Simpson had a memory lapse episode — which caused her to get disoriented and perform a little Irish jig upon the discovery of her lip-synching — spurred on by “excessive masturbation.”
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4. Justin Bieber’s vomiting fiasco in Phoenix
Photo courtesy of WENN.com
It happens even to the pros. Justin Bieber‘s vomiting incident at a concert in Phoenix was not actually caused by drinking too much milk but from system overload caused by — you guessed it — “excessive masturbation.”
5. Tom Cruise’s couch-jumping on Oprah
Photo courtesy of C.Smith / WENN.com
Now, this is a little different… You see, Tom Cruise‘s couch-jumping proclamation of love for Katie Holmes on Oprah was not a result of “excessive masturbation” but rather from a lack thereof. Evidence is pending.
6. Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction
Photo courtesy of Anthony Dixon / WENN.com
Finally we know how this all happened. During the 2004 Super Bowl, when Justin Timberlake accidentally revealed Janet Jackson‘s breast, it was all due to a tremor in the former boy bander’s hands triggered by — one last time — “excessive masturbation.”
Life is so much clearer now, no? Thank you, 50 Cent. We couldn’t have done it without you. Who else should be on this list?
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