It’s no secret that the US of A is going through a bit of a moment right now. Things are rough, and as a Canadian, I’d like you to know that we are here for you. We’re your closest neighbors, your BFFs, and goddamn it, we are here to help!
To prove it, we will soon be loaning you our finest national treasure.
No, not our hottie PM or his kickass French wife. We’re not going to send truckfuls of poutine or let you win the Stanley Cup.
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It’s better than that. SO MUCH BETTER: We are letting you have Celine Dion
First of all, let’s just agree that Gwen Stefani’s great, but she is luckyyyy to have Celine Dion. And as an advisor, no less! We should all be so lucky as to have Celine Dion advising us. Can you imagine?
She’d say things inspired by the lyrics of her award-winning songs, like, “The whispers in the morning of lovers sleeping tight are rolling by like thunder now. As I look in your eyes, I hold on to your body and feel each move you make. Your voice is warm and tender, a love that I could not forsake.”
And you will have no fucking clue what she’s talking about because all you asked her was what you should order at Chipotle, but it won’t matter because you’ll be crying and she’ll be crying and then she’ll envelop you in her weirdly toned arms and everything will be OK.
What is Dion appearing on The Voice even going to look like?
What if someone is shit? Is Celine Mutha-Fucking Dion capable of advising Gwen that someone is shit?
What will that do to her? I’m concerned. Concerned for what rejecting people might do to Dion’s emotions.
Conversely, imagine when someone wins. Or gets through. Or gets turned around on. (Again, I have never watched The Voice and have no idea what happens on this show.)
I mean, they’ll be happy, sure, but it will be fucking nothing compared to how happy Dion will be. Dion will be overcome with happy in a way that none of us mere mortals can even begin to understand.
In conclusion, America, you’re welcome. All we ask is that you treat the strong-yet-incredibly-delicate pride of Canada with the reverence and respect she deserves.
And remember, we want her back.
Before you go, check out our slideshow below.
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