How to punish whopper-weavers like Timothy Poe

Timothy Poe won the hearts of the America’s Got Talent audience (and a standing ovation, to boot) with what turned out to be a big fat lie. Sadly, Poe isn’t the first famous fibber to try getting rich quick at the expense of others. As satisfying as it is watching these loose-lipped losers squirm under scrutiny, we feel they deserve punishment reciprocal to their shams.

TIMOTHY POE

Tall Tale: With a slight stutter, Sgt. Timothy Poe stood on the America’s Got Talent stage and recounted a tragic tale of sustaining brain injuries and a broken back after selflessly trying to save fellow troops in Afghanistan from a grenade. Wait, what’s that you say? The military has no evidence of any such thing ever happening? Poe now blames brain damage for his “confusion.” Fitting Retribution: Well buddy, we’re not going to argue with you on the brain damage claim; clearly, you’re a few cards short of a full deck. What say we ship your shady a** back to a bunker in Afghanistan, where you can take the place of a real hero — a soldier who has served several tours, and who has done so honorably.

BERNIE MADOFF

Tall Tale: In 2008, Madoff admitted he made off with a motherload using his faux investment firm as a front. The plotter relied on a Ponzi scheme for more than a decade to trick investors into trusting him with their savings, ultimately bilking them of billions. Fitting Retribution: Yeah, yeah, so he went to jail. We want more! How about this? Madoff must make 50 billion license plates — one for each dollar he stole — emblazoned with IBGREEDY.

O.J. SIMPSON

Tall Tale: Simpson, while maintaining his innocence in the murder case that made him infamous, wrote (and was paid generously for) a “fictional” tell-all book in 2006 describing the gory details of the murders had he committed them. Bizarre doesn’t even begin to describe this. Fitting Retribution: In the end, public outrage led to the demise of this ill-fated endeavor (thank goodness!). But since Simpson is so keen on writing, perhaps he should pen a page-turner to help hopeless losers get a clue. Then he should read it. STAT.

JAMES FREY

Tall Tale: Frey shot to fame in 2005 when Oprah Winfrey featured his autobiography, A Million Little Pieces, in her book club. Lo and behold, news soon broke that Frey falsified some of the most heart-tugging parts of the tome dealing with his drug abuse and criminal past. His defense? Demons made me do it. Fitting Retribution: You can’t capitalize on an issue that affects millions of people worldwide; that is demonic. We think you should spend the remainder of your days reading Pinocchio — a nod to your no-no — to the unfortunate youths who actually have drug-addicted parents as screwed up as you claimed to be.

Photo credit: WENN.com