What it’s like to rewatch Season 1 of ‘Laguna Beach’ as an adult

Episode 1: A Black and White Affair

Synopsis: We meet the cool kids from Laguna Beach High School. Lauren and Lo throw an absurdly fancy party in a hotel.

What I think now:

So, first of all, Trey is still super dreamy and didn’t get enough attention, in my humble opinion.
Stephen is overrated. 
Where the hell do these kids get $700 to blow on renting a hotel room for a night to throw a ridiculously lavish, themed party for no reason at all?
I’m retroactively calling hotel management about these hooligans in the suite next door.
I would hate Lauren if I were Kristin. I feel you, girl. 

Stephen and Kristin relationship status: Together-ish but he apparently hooks up with Lauren too. Cool.

Final thoughts: Did I ever relate to this? No. No, I did not. Did I ever think this was cool? Yes. Yes, I absolutely did.

Episode 2: The Bonfire

Synopsis: Morgan doesn’t get into college, Kristin and Jessica make foot-flavored pasta for their boyfriends, and there’s a bonfire. 

What I think now: 

Why the hell did this girl only apply to one college? Where were her parents on this one??!
Why isn’t Trey running the world right now?
The fashion tragedies on this show are so real.
Guys, Stephen is not that good-looking. Am I missing something here? 
Stephen’s co-worker cares not about his high school girl probs.
Polster (what?) is trying to be philosophical and Lauren is just not on that level yet.

Stephen and Kristin relationship status: I have no idea. She makes dinner for him but then texts other dudes. Not together, I assume.

Final thoughts: They struggled on this one. Struggle bus to the extreme. I just lost a lot of minutes to this and literally nothing happened.

Episode 3: Fast Cars and Fast Women

Synopsis: Kristin wants a new car and her old one breaks down. Trey, Stephen and Lauren go to a fashion show and Stephen somehow snags a model’s attention because, reality.

What I think now: 

We are all Lauren when she replies, “Sweet, Jen” to Jen Bunny when Jen says that her and Stephen’s babies would be, “Like, the popular kids at school”.
Didn’t you guys go to fashion shows and fashion show after-parties in dank night clubs in high school? No? Lame.
In the midst of causing an approximately 3000-mile backup of traffic due to her car overheating, Kristin says, “Kathryn got really pretty” as her friend drives by. *Face palm*
That model was paid to hit on Stephen. I’m convinced.
Remember grinding on the dance floor? Pour one out for grinding.
Stephen spent the night rubbing against models and he’s mad at Kristin for having dinner with a guy friend? I hate Stephen, you guys!

Stephen and Kristin relationship status: Somewhat together? He’s mad at her for hanging with a friend, but he was bumping with a model. 

Final thoughts: These kids need to calm down. CALM DOWN. Stop rubbing against everyone and do some homework.

Episode 4: 18 Candles

Synopsis: Christina and Morgan don’t invite Lo and Lauren to Christina’s birthday party, and then they all “run into each other” at a nail salon. Lauren fails classes. Christina auditions for Broadway in NYC. 

What I think now:

Christina’s parents are proud of her for turning 18, and with that, her bar for success plummeted into through the ground and into the Earth’s core.
Weren’t Lauren and Lo best friends with Christina and Morgan last episode? High school was the worst.
“You can get C’s. C’s are fine.” Lauren’s dad continuing the trend of really awesome parenting standards on this show.
Remember when your biggest problem in life was not being invited to someone’s birthday party at Joe’s Crab Shack?
Wow, Christina must have an amazing voice to audition for Broadway.
Nope. I’ve never been more wrong about something in my whole, entire life.

Stephen and Kristin relationship status: Not together. I am almost positive about this. 

Final thoughts: I mean, let’s all be as confident as Christina was about her ability to sing. 

Episode 5: What Happens In Cabo…

Synopsis: They go to Cabo.

What I think now:

These kids ask, “Who are you gonna hook up with?” every time they go somewhere. They are off to the grocery store and someone is bound to ask, “Who are you gonna hook up with?” RELAX.
Watching these girls try on bikinis like, pass the gelato please.
Why are these fetuses partying in Cabo without parental supervision!? Parents of Laguna Beach, we need to talk.
Jen Bunny talking about her mother firing her maid. Hate. Pure, unadulterated hate.
Guys, Jen Bunny is going to Cabo to get away, presumably from her really difficult life, OK?
Um, I hope no woman ever dated Stephen again after watching him verbally abuse Kristin and repeatedly scream in her face that she was a slut and a bitch. 
Is Stephen forever alone? Someone tell me he is alone.

Stephen and Kristin relationship status: NOT TOGETHER. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Final thoughts: I hate Stephen and Jen Bunny. 

Episode 6: The Best Part of Breaking Up

Synopsis: They go to a Blink 182 concert. They watch The OC. 

What I think now:

Concerts are rough, man. I’m too tired. I’ll listen to them on Spotify.
Why does Trey wear a belt around his bicep? Was that a thing? Was I not hip?

Update: Trey now works as a designer at Vera Wang, so whatever he wears is cool. I know nothing.

Apparently wearing a sweatshirt means that you are wearing you pajamas to these fancy folks. Color me constantly sleepin’.
Remember when the little person called Lo and Lauren sluts? What a time to be alive. #Blessed
They watch The OC because they live there! #SoMeta
Trey made an entire fashion show out of emblazoned trucker hats and now designs for Vera Wang. I don’t even know what to say. This gives me life.
The awful lip dubbing is so obvious that I feel like MTV was punking us.

Stephen and Kristin relationship status: Together now. They went to a concert together, soooo it’s pretty serious.

Final thoughts: Nothing occurred here. Not a damn thing of importance.

Episode 7: The Last Dance

Synopsis: Prom.

What I think now:

Lauren was smart for locking down a date years ago.
Ah, so this is where that ridiculous idea of “promposals” came from. Thank Laguna Beach for that contribution to society
Fast-forwarding through promposals.
Pausing to admire Trey’s unruly popped collar situation.
Lauren obsessing over getting a photo with Stephen is making me very uncomfortable.
Lo’s date getting annihilated and puking everywhere is probably something he is super psyched to have documented forever now.
Kristin doesn’t want her parents to know that she got a hotel room with Stephen after prom. Spoiler alert: You are on camera.

Stephen and Kristin relationship status: Together because, hotel room.

Final thoughts: This episode probably ushered in a new alcohol tolerance policy at future Laguna Beach High proms. 

Episode 8: Grin and Bear It

Synopsis: They go camping and Christina’s dad steals the entire damn show away.

What I think now:

Lo’s dad is the only decent parent here. She wasn’t allowed to go to Cabo and now she’s not allowed to go on an unsupervised trip to Catalina. Go Lo’s dad.
I literally don’t care about these kids camping. I question if I ever cared.
Kristin describes Christina’s dad’s church by saying that, “Mother Theresa and all these gnarly people have been there.” Mother Theresa is indeed gnarly.
Christina’s dad tells his congregation to “wax on and wax off,” and I fell into a perpetual state of giggles.
Christina’s dad literally frightened me for a minute when he demanded that I pray.
We were informed for the 1000th time that Morgan is a virgin, and I feel like that’s not something I need a play-by-play for. 

Stephen and Kristin relationship status: Together and dare I say… happy?

Final synopsis: I love Christina’s dad.

Episode 9: Graduation Day

Synopsis: They graduate.

What I think now:

Christina’s dad continued being everything by singing to her to wake her up. Christina didn’t seem to love it as much as I did, though.
Nothing says “beauty comes from within, use your brain” quite like having a superlative in the yearbook for “Most Irresistible”
Stephen’s college-bound advice: “Wear a jimmy, maybe even two”
Lo got a car for graduation? I got a necklace… a necklace.
Trey is still my pick for president.
Christina got a study bible for graduating, and I feel better about my necklace now.
When the class speaker said that they would love to go back to high school, I literally shouted “NOPE!” at my television.
Vitamin C’s “Graduation Song” just played, and I was happily catapulted into high school again. I’M CONFLICTED. 

Stephen and Kristin Relationship Status: Together but plotting their breakup already.

Stephen and Kristin Relationship Status: Together? But basically planning their own demise.

Final Thoughts: Oh man, I graduated the same year that they did. Class of 2004, woop!

Episode 10: The First to Go

Synopsis: Everyone is going to college and Trey is first. 

What I think now:

Lauren… stop obsessing over Stephen, please. You are going to marry William Tell, trust me on this one. 
I wonder if Christina is a famous actress now since she was getting an agent after high school.
She’s not.
I want to hang out at Trey’s house.
Did MTV legitimately shut down a highway for Trey and Stephen to skateboard down it?
When Lauren says, “I’ve never been to Paris,” I want to scream from the future that she will make a huge Paris mistake on The Hills.
Lauren and Lo use Talan for his Jacuzzi, and I support it fully.
Guys, Trey is leaving!
He’s saying goodbye to his dog like it’s his brother and I’m dying
That dog is 100 percent dead now and now I’m really sad.

Stephen and Kristin Relationship Status: Actually the sweetest I’ve seen them together, but simultaneously breaking up.

Final Thoughts: College, man.

Episode 11: Dunzo

Synopsis: Everyone continues to say that this is the last time they will all be together. A bonfire happens.

What I think now: 

Lo doesn’t know how to roast a hotdog over an open flame, and I fully believe that reality.
If another one of these kids complain about living in Laguna Beach, I am going to find them as adults and kick them in the shins.
Kristin called it that Lauren would hate college and move back home. Is she the Nostradamus of our day?
I don’t hate Stephen as much in this episode.
When Lauren got off the plane and ran into Stephen’s arms, I now feel duped. Nope. Not into it.

Stephen and Kristin Relationship Status: In an open relationship. Standard.

Final Thoughts: This was a lot.