Me and bacon, we go way back. For as long as I can remember, I’ve put the perfectly salty meat on a pedestal above all other charcuterie (and frankly, above most other foods). But sometimes, even the things you admire most can let you down. Sadly these are the times when bacon has failed me.
When it lets Paula Deen ride it…
Photo credit: Imgur
Really, bacon. Have you no standards?
When it’s for your penis…
Photo credit: This Is Why I’m Broke
Repeat after me: Real bacon does not work as a condom. But if you must include bacon in your sex life, use these lookalikes for protection.
When it looks like sperm…
Photo credit: Imgur
As with the condoms, bacon and anything penis-related is unnecessary.
When it masquerades as a Van Gogh…
Photo credit: Imgur
C’mon, bacon. Have a little respect for one of the world’s most amazing artists.
When it goes under your arms…
Photo credit: This Is Why I’m Broke
I don’t equate bacon to being the freshest scent, but could it be that this one isn’t a fail after all? If bacon-scented armpits are better than whatever you’re covering up, it could be a win.
When it tries to be Abraham Lincoln…
Well, it is ‘Merica, where anything is possible, but I don’t think Honest Abe ever thought this would be happening in the future.
When it’s not made of pork…
Bacon = pork. End of discussion.
Or worse, when it’s vegetarian but doesn’t even try to look like real bacon…
At least give me the illusion of bacon.
Or even worse, when it’s vegetarian but doesn’t even try to taste like bacon…
OK, “bacon”… you’re fired.
When it makes an appearance in awkward family photos…
It’s better than Lady Gaga’s meat dress… I guess?
When it stops this from being the best breakfast ever…
You had one job, bacon. All you had to do was show up.
When it tries to trick you into thinking it’ll freshen your breath…
Just as I doubt it would freshen my underarms, I doubt it could effectively replace mints.
When it has a face and is utterly terrifying…
Can’t. Stop. Looking.
When it’s liquified…
For those of us too lazy to take a bite of bacon and a sip of soda.
When it ruins vodka…
I have to draw the line when you start messing with my cocktails.
When it doesn’t keep your beer cold…
Photo credit: Todd Sanders/Flickr
Now we’ve got a warm beer and ruined bacon. Unacceptable.
When it’s gummy and strawberry-flavored…
Photo credit: A.Currell/Flickr
That’s two strikes, bacon. Don’t push it.
More on bacon
20 Glorious BLT-inspired recipes that aren’t just sandwiches
Chocolate-covered candied bacon 3 ways
The bacon addict’s cookbook and forever companion
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