It’s the best day of the week: Taco Tuesday!
Up until now, tacos have had it easy. How hard is it to win a culinary death match against leafy greens and beef juice? This week we’re upping the ante by pitting tacos against something people might actually want to eat.
Face-off #1: Better on a bun
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Tacos: Tacos aren’t great on a bun. I’m just ripping the Band-Aid off immediately here. Don’t get me wrong — you can sandwich a taco between two pieces of anything, even kale leaves, and it will still be a party in your mouth. It’s just that a taco would be good in spite of being sandwiched between two wads of carb sponges, not because of it.
Points: 9
Burgers: Burgers belong on buns. There’s nothing normal about grasping a meat patty in your fist and eating it by itself, but that doesn’t mean people won’t try to convince you to go bunless. Don’t listen to those people. Buns are important to the hamburger experience.
Points: 10
Face-off #2: More delicious vegetarian options
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Tacos: Tacos don’t require meat to be delicious. They can be made with beans, lentils, veggies and unicorn farts and still be delicious. You’ll never eat a vegetarian taco and think to yourself, “Yeah, this is great, but I wish it was a real taco.”
Points: 28
Burgers: There is no such thing as a vegetarian burger.
Points: 3
Face-off #3: Better as a casserole
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Tacos:Taco casserole is amazing. Millions of people who don’t regularly place the words “casserole” and “delicious” in the same sentence will still worship at the altar of a one-pot taco face fiesta.
Points: 13
Burgers: It pains me to admit that when you’re in the mood for comfort food, the burger casserole is also a pretty good option. For instance, if you wanted to wallow in grief after your partner breaks up with you on the day you were passed over for a promotion and your cat ran away, burger casserole is for you.
Points: 12
Face-off #4: Easiest to make on a grill
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Tacos: You can grill taco ingredients, but unfortunately after that you still have a lot of work to do. If we’re approaching this holistically, then I just can’t justify awarding a lot of points in this category. Sorry, tacos, but you know you’re still Mama’s favorite.
Points: 2
Burgers: OK, fine. Burgers sweep this category. Put ’em on the grill, flip, flip, flip, and then you’re getting it into your stomach. Happy?
Points: 30
Face-off #5: More suited for Tuesday
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Tacos: Do you even need to ask? On today, the most sacred of days?
Points: 19
Burgers: Fine for a Tuesday, but better for a Saturday.
Points: 3
And the winner?
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For the first time in the long, storied, three-week history of Taco Tuesday death match, tacos won, but not by a landslide. More in, like, a couple of pebbles tumbling down a hill sort of way. But they still won, 71 to 58. Tacos forever!
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