Beans, beans, the musical fruit
Best thing about beans, aside from the farting (c’mon — who doesn’t find them hilarious?), is the fact that I can use them in place of carbs like rice or potatoes without cooking, so I don’t have to be in the kitchen forever, chopping and boiling and having to wash another stupid pa… I mean, it’s really healthy. Yeah. Beans are really healthy, and that’s why I use them all the time.
Cannellini beans: Buy canned; use as a substitute for potatoes.
Chickpeas: Again, canned, and use 1,000 different ways. They are the true magic bean.
Black beans: One can of black beans means you’re always one minute away from tacos!
Lentils: Buy dried. Aside from soup, lentils make great salads that you can make in bulk and keep in the fridge at all times. You can eat a bunch of them, feel full and be proud of your choices for a few hours.
Split peas: Buy dried. Like lentils, they make for a fantastic soup, but I like using them for a quick version of mushy peas, a British staple that’s unique in that it actually contains more vegetables than bacon grease. Though you certainly can add a ton of bacon grease if you want.
More:The best ways to store produce so it lasts longer
Caaaaaaaarbs!
Pasta: The kind of pasta you buy is an entirely personal decision, so don’t hold back. Go crazy with it when the 5-for-$5 rolls around! So many shapes, so little time!
Lasagna noodles: I can think of only a few other products that have the ability to make half-assed attempts at dinner look like feasts that required months of planning.
Boxed macaroni and cheese: Stop lying to yourself like you don’t want a closet full of this stuff.
Flaxseed powder: I have been told this is good for me, and it certainly tastes like it. What makes it a staple is that I can easily sneak in a few tablespoons in tons of dishes without affecting the flavor or texture, so why the hell not, right? Throw some into your breading mixture, and fried chicken becomes health food. Works for me.
Chia seeds: There are a lot of things I want to compare chia pudding to, but all of them are so vulgar that I’m actually pretty disgusted by myself for thinking them in the first place. When you don’t put the chia seeds in liquid, they stay nice and crunchy, which makes them a nice addition to many things — in my case, peanut butter out of the jar. Its massive amount of antioxidants is likely counteracting any negative effects eating half a Costco-size jar of Skippy would have on my heart.
Spices: You don’t actually need that many, so calm yourself
Kosher salt: Duh.
Black pepper: Get yourself a proper pepper mill. You’re a grown-up now. Seriously.
Garlic powder: Garlic powder can pretty much stick his nose into whatever you’re making, and nobody would mind. Except for the Chocolate Pudding twins. They’d mind.
Cayenne: Caliente!
Cumin: This is what chili smells like. If anything, always keep it around for chili making, which is one of those dinners that will keep on giving long after you’re finished cooking it. And finished eating it as well.
Coriander: The ground seed that cilantro comes from. Not the first spice anyone would think of, but I’ll tell you, this comes in surprisingly handy very often!
Oregano: And oddly, this one doesn’t come in handy as often as I thought it would. Still delicious, though.
Smoked paprika: Like regular paprika, but smoked.
Za’atar: First off, if you haven’t visited a Middle Eastern specialty store, you are pretty much just throwing your money away. Like, putting cash in a giant pile in the middle of the supermarket parking lot and torching it, every single week. You can get most of the staples mentioned on this list at ethnic markets at less than half the price of American grocery stores — even the big-box ones. Za’atar is actually a blend of several herbs and spices and is so delicious that you can pretty much drown whatever you’re making in it, and not only will it come out tasting delicious, but it will also have a mystique of exoticism and danger about it. (By danger, I mean oregano.)
Old Bay: Do not snort this. I will take no further questions on this matter.
Sugar: This isn’t actually a spice, but I didn’t know where to put it on this list, so here it is.
You’re almost done. Did you know… some pantry items actually go in the refrigerator?
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