Junk food confessions: A love letter to Entenmann’s

The cakes of your life

Oh Entenmann’s. My dearest, darling Entenmann’s. What would I be without you? Some of the most memorable tiny moments of my life have been spent with you — a napkin full of Pop’ems at a classroom birthday party; a sticky cheese Danish eaten with one hand and limited mobility while crushed into an overcrowded subway; the box of chocolate doughnuts that I ate for dinner every night along with a cheesesteak and grape juice during my first pregnancy.

Always there for you

Birthday cakes come but once a year. Pastries show when company comes. But you? You are always there. Always staring me down from an endcap, whispering words of temptation while I put my groceries onto a conveyor belt. I know I’ll be crying out for you at 2 a.m., and what good will I be the next day if I’m tossing and turning all night, thinking about you? You talk me into picking up an innocent nosh. You seem to know me on a level that no one else can see, that I reveal to no one but your ravishing blue-and-white box in the middle of the night, when nobody’s watching.

Rich Frosted Donuts

There is a supernatural phenomenon about these doughnuts: You never intend to eat the whole box — that would be irresponsible. In fact, with its thick, borderline pornographic robe of chocolate fudge, you likely tell yourself you’ll have only half, so you do. You brush your teeth, get into bed and think, “Well, it’s silly just leaving that half doughnut down there,” so you go to the kitchen to take care of it — and accidentally eat half of the next doughnut too. This continues until you wake up the next morning with no memories of what occurred and find yourself staring at a box full of nothing but crumbs and one quarter of a doughnut. For your safety, you should probably not buy these.

Corn Muffins

My favorite breakfast of all time: a just-shy-of-burnt toasted Entenmann’s Corn Muffin slathered with a fat pat of salted butter. It may seem extremely old-fashioned, but what’s wrong with that? You know what’s awesome about old people? They have zero fucks to give. They have been there, seen it, were not impressed by it and are going to start their day with a Corn Muffin and strong cup of black coffee not only because it’s delicious but because it’s a warning to the day ahead that they will not be putting up with anyone’s bullshit.

Madeleines

Even if you’ve never tasted a madeleine, you’re likely familiar with them from the legendary passage from Swann’s Way by Marcel Proust. You know what I’m talking about — the first volume in his seven-volume novel Remembrance of Things Past? One of the greatest literary works of the 20th century? Introduced the concept of stream-of-consciousness narration, where detail did not need to be portrayed in a linear progression, instead illustrating the complexity of human memory and the fluidity of thought? Ring a bell?

OK, regardless, madeleines are dope. Continue to enjoy this riveting slideshow about baked goods.

Black & White Cookies

I’m a third-generation New Yorker, and yes, these things are legit. They’re actually better than most bakery black-and-whites, which seemingly have a shelf life of approximately 10 minutes. Ah, Entenmann’s, with your delicious preservatives and industrial-grade emulsifying wax additives. You give me life, and that’s not just because I’m pretty sure I’ve got a thin layer of emulsifying wax protecting my internal organs.

Coconut Custard Pie

Oddly, this is a seasonal item not for summertime but for fall and winter. Who is thinking of coconuts in the dead of winter? Does Entenmann’s mean for me to be closing my eyes, scarfing down pie and pretending I’m in a tropical paradise? Do they think I should be shuttering myself into my house, throwing on some calypso, dancing awkwardly like an elderly woman on a Carnival cruise who’s had one too many Bahama Mamas, eating coconut custard pie and letting my consciousness be transported far away from the ice chill of January? Actually, now that I’m typing that out, it sounds pretty good. I should try that.

Chocolate Fudge Cake

Magic trick: Keep this cake in the freezer. It will make the cake taste richer and more filling, so it will feel like you’re eating twice the amount of cake in a sitting! Not that it stops me from eating half a cake at a time, because this goes far too well with a huge glass of milk. Seriously, I don’t even know how this cake is street legal.

Guava Puffs

These are my black pearl — the rarest jewel I desire most in a sea of gems. I understand they’ve never been as popular as the apple or cheese puffs, but some precious soul at Entenmann’s knows they are too good to give up on and will never let them go. They are a wise and benevolent person to whom I offer my heartfelt appreciation. Buy them if you find them. Experience the magic of guava. Open your mind to new dimensions of tasty joy.