The creepy future of dating

The prediction: “As cosplay goes from fringe to mainstream, we are seeing the emergence of in-character courtship, such as this Comic-Con speed-dating event. It seems like Second Life has evolved into ‘second skin’ with costumes becoming important expressions of self. We foresee people discussing the pros and cons of inter-character relationships as they once did about inter-racial relationships.”

Does this mean we’ll get to have sex with Batman? OMG. In that case, we want to be Poison Ivy. Wait, Harley Quinn. No, Catwoman. No, Wonder Woman. Wait, no! We want to be Daenerys Targaryen from Game of Thrones and date a real-life version of her super-hot right-hand man, Jorah Mormont. There are so many possibilities here, and most of them involve dudes with sick pecs and abs.

The prediction: “As augmented intelligence and video games become increasingly sophisticated, expect humans to get attached to and develop real relationships with their hardware and software. The movie Her deals with love in the age of seductive operating systems.”

That’s all fine and good, but there need to be many, many advances in technology before this happens. Right now, Siri can’t even find the closest Dunkin’ Donuts, let alone our G spot.

Photo credit: Warner Bros.

The prediction: “Finding modern relationships too emotionally complicated, many men and women are choosing not to become romantically involved in any serious way. In Japan, a 2011 survey found that 61 percent of unmarried men and 49 percent of women aged 18 to 34 were not in any kind of romantic relationship.”

Who needs a human when you have vibrating underwear, we guess.

The prediction: “In an overstimulated world, we seek new forms of heightened stimulation in the hope of discovering new erogenous zones. A bogus story about eyeball licking, also called ‘worming,’ in Japan went viral and subsequently created interest in erogenous experimentation in the U.S.”

Thank God that eyeball-licking story turned out to be bogus, because it made us want to squeeze our eyes shut forever. If new erogenous zones mean sex lasts longer or gets more interesting when you’ve been with your partner forever, we are all about it. As long as eyeball-licking isn’t involved. Shudder.

The prediction: “Large numbers of men are no longer stimulated by real women due to overstimulation by too much pornography. The growth of erectile dysfunction drugs mirrors the growth of porn media, while the U.S. birthrate has dropped. Today, men and women can choose to subsist solely on porn. Cindy Gallop’s ‘Make Love Not Porn’ organization aims to promote ‘real sex’ and bring back a sense of humanity and connection for sexual partners.”

Well, this one is a bummer. But we’re huge advocates of porn that men and women can watch together, especially if guys learn moves other than jackhammer thrusting.

The prediction: “A growing number of people are discovering the benefits of Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response. ASMR is a tingling sensation some people feel when exposed to soothing environmental sounds and soft talking. Proponents of the practice use videos and audio recordings to induce these brain tingles and promote relaxation. Prominent ASMR practitioners such as Lilium make their living making ASMR videos — a kind of therapist/digital friend.”

Hello, waste of money! We’ll bet asking your boyfriend to softly coo in your ear is cheaper than hiring an online therapist to whisper sweet nothings to you. Also: nature sounds via CD. That works too. In fact, there are free apps for that! Here’s one.

The prediction: “How strange can it get? While some of the ‘sex with mythical creatures’ genre was likely inspired by a joke, “Rule 34” is hyperbolically infecting every possible niche of culture. The more absurd and shocking it is, the more viral it goes. Some argue this is having an impact on real life expectations.”

Dinosaur sex?! Why, that’s just offensive. It’s like falling in love with a cold-blooded vampire. Or a shirt-shedding werewolf. Or a fictional businessman who flies helicopters, likes spanking and has an unlimited bank account. Oh, wait.

The prediction: “We are a culture obsessed with forensic science; introducing ‘relationship forensics.’ This is not the future, but reality: Daters are using sophisticated systems to discover dirt (or rave reviews) about their potential mates. From confessional websites to revenge porn posts to Dirty Phonebook, the internet can be both fierce and forever. Never mind your Digital Death, you need to worry about your Dating Death.”

Actually, in our version of the future, the law cracks down on revenge porn sites, because they ruin women’s lives. Less explicitly offensive online tools, like guy-rating app Lulu, are growing in popularity, but the two don’t exactly cancel each other out. Which is to say, it seems like doing anything dating related in the future has grave online consequences, so you might as well join the Celibacy Syndrome movement and watch some dinosaur porn, because the jerks are out to git ya.

The prediction: “It’s a story as old as time: boy meets girl; girl becomes Facebook friends with boy; boy and girl hook up after finding each other through Bang With Friends; boy likes some other girl’s Instagram photo; girl unfriends boy; boy Vines his breakup with girl and uploads it to Reddit. Relationships implode as fast as they begin.”

If you’re using something called “Bang With Friends,” perhaps you shouldn’t expect much common courtesy? Although… we wish some of our breakups lasted only six seconds. There are only so many nonstop rude voicemails, bitter text messages, obvious subtweets and maudlin Facebook statuses a girl can take.

The prediction: “With the advent of easy scanning and mobile phones with object recognition software, virtually anything smaller than a breadbox can be scanned. Combined with 3-D printing and new fabrication technologies driven by material innovation, custom and artisanal sex toys take on a whole new dimension.”

Well, who wouldn’t want a vintage-inspired sex toy hewn from locally sourced materials and handcrafted in Brooklyn by a guy with a beard wearing an apron? Do we get an organic kale salad and house-roasted coffee beans with that vibrator? Is it a dildo or a decorative glass-blown sculpture? You decide!

The prediction: “Through life-logging devices such as the Narrative Clip, all aspects of a relationship can be coded and cataloged for review. Imagine reliving your entire relationship, or savoring key moments, with one push of a button.”

We thought that’s what Facebook was for.

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