The wedding night is the first thing that you have to look forward to after a beautiful ceremony, complete with the white dress and doves being released into the sky. But does the first night as a married couple really live up to the hype?
For most modern couples, the odds are that you will no longer be eligible to be “devirginized” on your wedding night. But even without cherries being popped and “V” cards being swiped, most newly married couples expect something special to happen after being pronounced man and wife.
Is a magical wedding night a myth, or is it the stuff that Michael Bolton songs are made of? Fifteen couples spilled their guts on Reddit and confessed what really happened in the honeymoon suite:
1. A delightful game of pickup sticks
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“She sat on the floor in front of me. We watched TV while I took the 6000 hairpins out of her hair. It was a horrible game of pickup sticks as they were all intertwined. After that, we crashed.”
2. A rousing game of Monopoly
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“We had our hotel room the day before the wedding. Got to the church, did our thing, had a blast at the reception. We leave the reception; my bride tells me her period started at the church. We walked around our favorite store and bought a new board game. We played Monopoly and watched TV on the most comfortable bed we had ever slept on.”
3. Anything but sex
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“No sex. Basement of my aunt and uncle’s house with my parents upstairs as we all hunkered down in a hurricane. If you can avoid getting married as a hurricane barrels down on you, I would recommend it.”
4. Babysitting instead of boinking
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“Parents rented a hotel room for the reception since it snowed that day and would be doing so all night. Parents insisted that they stay in the hotel room instead of my husband and me. Parents had me babysit my 11-year-old brother so they could have alone time on my wedding night.”
5. Can’t beat a quickie
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“We were exhausted, so the sex was fairly basic and rather quick, but that’s one of the benefits of sex before marriage — you can both orgasm in 10 minutes or less if needed.”
6. Celebratory puking
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“Got drunk at the after-party and eventually, somehow, fell into bed. New wife jumped on top of me expecting marital sexy times… a bout of nausea immediately hit me. I screamed ‘Get off me!’, pushed her off the bed and ran, puking all the way, to the bathroom.”
7. Followed by some ugly crying
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“My wife was literally crying because I was taking too long to undo the 800 buttons on the back of her dress that was now hurting her shoulders too much to wear. Then she cried as I pulled out the 8000 hair pins for her hair. A few strands of hair and 30 minutes later, we attempted sex, both decided we were tired and said, f*** it — went to bed cuddling.”
8. Go on without me
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“My favorite [story is] from a buddy — I was [his] groomsman. They got to the hotel room very late in the evening/morning, and after considerable consumption, she said (and I quote): ‘You can go ahead, but I’m going to sleep.'”
9. OK, just a little bit of cherry popping
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“Nearly 50 years ago — but one of the best days of my life. We got married in the morning and, after a short reception, we drove to a hotel about halfway to where we were stopping on our honeymoon. We were both sexually inexperienced so it was great fun finding out together.”
10. Presents!
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“Had an absolute blast at the wedding dance with family and friends, got really drunk, got a ride home with a sober groomsman and proceeded to open all our gifts and money we received. Then, went to bed and passed the f*** out.”
11. Sex and Netflix — the perfect pair
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“The sex was good. She wore sexy underwear, and we had sex in front of a large window in our hotel room. Then we watched some Netflix and continued to get smashed.”
12. Sex, sex and more sex
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“Being married now made it different and better because all of a sudden I was screwing my husband, you know? Fell asleep all naked in each other’s arms, woke up in the morning, had more sex, went out to breakfast and on to our honeymoon… where we spent most of the week in the bedroom.”
13. The definition of awkward
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“My in-laws got us a hotel room for the night in a cutesy inn. The room was directly above theirs.”
14. The plague
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“I had the flu, so I left the reception early and went to bed shivering violently and puking and shitting, while my very introverted husband was a gracious host to 40 people.”
15. Too tired and too drunk to even think about it
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“I got a little too drunk on my wedding night. Who am I kidding, I was wasted. Everyone kept buying me drinks, so I kept on drinking. So my wife and I finally get into bed, and we both agree it’s not going to happen. So off to sleep I go.”
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