Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl are increasingly the subjects of “buzz” at dinner tables around Britain. Perhaps it’s because so many of us can relate to being involved with someone who is somehow unavailable, whether emotionally, physically, or… legally. How can those of us doing the talking learn how to do the walking away?
Who is Mr. Unavailable?
According to author Natalie Lue, you know you’ve met Mr. Unavailable when he’s emotionally, physically and spiritually “unavailable” but enjoys all the benefits of a relationship — be that full-on sex, a fumble, an ego stroke or a shoulder to cry on. He is “ambiguous, tricky to read, blows hot and cold, backs off when you come too close, and when you cut him off, has a list of excuses as long as his arm, and with actions rarely matching his words.” This delightful description is the kind of guy that makes you second-guess yourself and your sanity. But maybe you think you’re up for the challenge?
Are you the Fallback Girl?
The book lists 12 signs that you are the Fallback Girl Mr. Unavailable needs to perpetuate his behaviour:
- You love the drama and seek relationships with little to no hope of commitment.
- The more baggage, the better. Wife, exes, multiple partners? He’s got ’em.
- You keep things ambiguous and don’t ask questions that may have answers you don’t want to hear.
- Your love life is full of loose ends — and men who keep popping back up.
- You had difficult relationships in childhood.
- You have difficulty getting over past relationships and struggle with rejection.
- You often “keep it casual” even if you don’t want that. Friends with Benefits, anyone?
- Due to your casual affairs, you don’t feel you’re treated well or taken seriously.
- You have low self-esteem and may believe that you are unlovable. You might even wonder if things would change if only you could.
- You are jaded; you often think relationships are too hard.
- You stay in relationships far past their sell-by date.
- You keep thinking that change will make it better.
Sounds like me. What do I do?
Lue says Fallback Girls often look for a magic move or strategy that will help them win the object of their affection or try new tactics to “fix” partners. What they don’t do as often is admit the relationship is not working and opt out. While the book is full of signs and symptoms that should cause you to hatch an escape plan, we’ve boiled it down to a few tips that help you head for the door.
Don’t mistake drama for love. Intensity feels fun. And while the rollercoaster may make you feel desired and alive, the lows shouldn’t be too low. Love should not hurt.
Don’t make excuses. If you hear yourself saying something that sounds like a justification, particularly if people are looking at you like you’re crazy when you’re saying it, stop talking and listen to your gut. It’s likely telling you the truth.
Only participate in casual relationships if you want to and are able to. Even Mr. Unavailables have a place if you’re genuinely not looking for a committed relationship. But only engage in something casually if you know where to file it. If you start to become attached to someone who doesn’t want you, cut and run.
Learn how to leave. This means no Facebook, Twitter, booty calls, texting, emails… even good old-fashioned letters. (Save his number, though, as you don’t want to restart the cycle with a “Sorry, who’s this?” text). Be comfortable with an real ending. You deserve something better.
More relationship advice
What men are really thinking
Is he the one?
Can you make him a new man?
Leave a Comment