The recent Cosmo article about sex tips for lesbians has caused quite a stir, considering the magazine has focused almost exclusively on heterosexual relationships for many years. While having an article of this nature should be celebrated for finally getting on board with real-life relationships, one has to wonder if it was written with a teenage boy’s fantasy world in mind. What, in fact, does lesbian sex look like in reality?
There seems to be a universal fantasy that lesbian sex looks a lot like what we see in erotic movies and porn. Any woman who hasn’t actually had sex with a woman might believe that lesbian sex is about taking things to the extreme. One would imagine that when women get it on, their main concern is getting off. However, speaking to women who have sex with women, this is most certainly not the case.
What’s in a position anyway?
Focusing on positions during lesbian sex can remove not only spontaneity of a potentially wonderful sexual experience, but it seems to make it quite clinical, too. Surely, when there is chemistry and connection, both partners are doing what feels good, which sometimes doesn’t really equate to posturing for effect. Being in the natural flow of lovemaking often looks a lot more ordinary than Cosmo would have us think.
Alex, a 21-year-old lesbian, says, “For myself, I don’t think that positions are important. I think that porn has given that stereotype to lesbian sex. If porn were real, every lesbian out there would do positions. I think the most important factor is the connection you have with the person. When it comes to sex, I like to have non-porn-style sex. I’d rather have natural sex with a girl.”
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“Positions are generally a hetero thing. When I’m with men, we will often talk about positions and go through a few. But when I’m with women, it’s more a sensation thing and we just roll around. I’ve never given any thought to positions with women,” says Emma, a 31-year-old woman who identifies as bisexual.
To sex toy or not to sex toy?
Sex toys can be a fun addition to having sex with another woman, but they aren’t vital to pleasure. Let yourself be guided by your preferences and remember that not all dildos have to be strapped on. There seems to be this idea that a penis is missing so lesbian sexual encounters should include a strap-on dildo. While penetration is pleasurable, it isn’t vital for everyone.
Emma believes that it’s a mixed bag when it comes to preferences for sex toys. She says, “My preference for lesbian sex is no toys. I’ve had girlfriends that love vibrators, but even then, it’s not really common. When I’m with women, it’s more body/mutual masturbation-orientated.”
While Alex explains, “Lesbians are really opposed to the idea of using a strap-on or a dildo, as it doesn’t feel the best. I don’t think that they are necessary, because we know what girls like; we know what will turn them on and what won’t.”
Lesbian sex vs. porn sex
It seems that many cultural ideas about lesbian sex are informed by what is seen in porn. Madison Missina, Australian Porn Star of the Year 2014, says that a lot of the lesbian sex seen in porn tends to model the heterosexual sexual activity. She explains, “Most lesbian porn sex is very penetrative and focused on positions. It seems to be the two-girl version of hetero sex, often with the use of dildos. In real-life lesbian sex, it’s more about increasing the sensation of both partners, so there is lots of using your bodies together mutually. Lots of caressing and sensation play, using your bodies together.”
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Alex believes that if lesbian sex were modelled on porn sex, it wouldn’t be satisfying at all. “Lesbian sex is more passionate. We don’t do the over-the-top sex moves; we just have normal lesbian sex. Porn sex would be pretty stressful if both of us decided to try it. I can’t see both of us doing the porn positions. It would be a tad hard and uncomfortable for the both of us.”
The reality is that any guide on sex positions is limited at best and downright boring at worst. Guides that attempt to tell you what positions are ideal for a fulfilling sex life are missing the point. Connection, communication and presence are your BFFs when it comes to sex. Without these, you can try all the positions in the Kama Sutra and still have a pretty average sex life. And speaking of the Kama Sutra, while it may be the quintessential guide to sex positions, even that has a caveat explaining that the positions themselves will not offer fulfilment, but it is your approach to sex that counts.
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