A nerd is rewriting Fifty Shades of Grey on Twitter, and it’s the best

So, I’m just going to put this out there — I’m a nerd who also occasionally enjoys soft-core porn. As such, I love finding, reading and viewing material that somehow combines the two concepts. The original Fifty Shades of Grey was no such book (or movie). E.L. James tried so hard to stuff some nerdy things in there (Anna’s obsession with Tess of the d’Urbervilles, the couple’s need to send grammatically perfect emails to each other), but to no avail. It’s like when romantic comedies try to humanize the hot female love interest by making her clumsy — the occasional trip does not a well-rounded human make.

More: ‘Everything Is Awesome’ in this Fifty Shades of Grey LEGO trailer

As such, there have been a number of fan fiction parodies of the infamous romance novel in which aspiring writers have tried to improve upon the less-than-thrilling initial story and characters. While it’s not hard to do, the best ones tend to have an undeniable hook that distinguishes them from the others. That’s why this particular one is garnering so much attention — it was written exclusively for nerds by a nerd.

Believe it or not, this guy’s Twitter handle — 50NerdsofGrey — has been around since 2012, about a year after the book was published and years before the movie came out. His nerd-inspired Fifty Shades parody quotes have earned him over 222,000 followers, because they are just perfect in every way. Here’s some of the best we’ve found, in no particular order. And, yes, to answer the thought you just had, they are mostly suitable for work, but if you’re someone who gets overly excited by computer jargon and Harry Potter-speak, you might want to save it for when you have some alone time.

There’s nothing hotter than math

Making her solve difficult equations really turned him on . . .
He was a sadomathochist.

— 50 Nerds of Grey (@50NerdsofGrey) April 5, 2016

I like men who live dangerously…

She said she was turned on by men who took risks . . .
So he took the plastic off his iPhone screen.

— 50 Nerds of Grey (@50NerdsofGrey) April 1, 2016

What’s the craziest thing you’d ever do to a woman?

'I'm all yours tonight!' she cried, 'Do something to me you'd never normally dare do to a woman!'
'All right' he said, and made eye contact.

— 50 Nerds of Grey (@50NerdsofGrey) March 30, 2016

Software disobedience

'I made a mistake!' she cried, 'Please don't punish me like this!'
But it was too late . .
She'd already installed the latest Apple update.

— 50 Nerds of Grey (@50NerdsofGrey) March 30, 2016

Hard-core wizard

'So,' she said, entering his bedroom, 'This is where the magic happens.'
'Oh yes,' he smiled, putting on his Harry Potter glasses and cloak.

— 50 Nerds of Grey (@50NerdsofGrey) April 7, 2016

When it’s too big…

'It's just too big!' she cried. 'It's never going to fit!'
'Of course it will,' he grinned, 'I've compressed the file.'

— 50 Nerds of Grey (@50NerdsofGrey) March 17, 2016

Sexual preferences

He really enjoyed 3.14159265 in a bed . . . he was Pi-sexual.#PiDay

— 50 Nerds of Grey (@50NerdsofGrey) March 14, 2016

More: Fifty Shades: We counted all full-frontal and lip-biting shots, just for you

Playing games

He decided to take a chance. He got her out of jail, took her to a cheap hotel and gave her two hundred dollars . .
He loved Monopoly night.

— 50 Nerds of Grey (@50NerdsofGrey) March 13, 2016

He knows how to hurt her the most

'Hurt me!' she begged as she bent over his desk.
'All right,' he said, 'Twilight is terrible and Benedict Cumberbatch is married.'

— 50 Nerds of Grey (@50NerdsofGrey) February 28, 2016

It’s all about mixing skill and experimentation

At the touch of her lips it grew long and swollen. He sighed as she squeezed and pulled expertly.
It was the best balloon giraffe he'd seen

— 50 Nerds of Grey (@50NerdsofGrey) February 28, 2016

Another kind of booty call

'Come over,' she begged. 'I need you right now!'
'Just turn it off and on again,' he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

— 50 Nerds of Grey (@50NerdsofGrey) February 21, 2016

The sexy nerd gems just go on and on. Feel free to take your time exploring the darkest depths of this brilliant account. I would, but a girl can only spend so many hours in a day losing her mind over sexy Doctor Who and Lord of the Rings fantasies.

However, in honor of this salacious yet nerdy homage, here’s my best crack at a tweet: 

“Bite down harder,” he said, filled with anxious anticipation. She obeyed, and he moaned in ecstasy. She had made the most perfect-fitting night guard he’d ever seen.

Thanks for coming out everyone, goodnight! (Curtain)

More: Why women who watch porn have more ‘friends with benefits’