Gwyneth Paltrow Recommends a $15K Dildo Made of Actual Gold & It’s Not A Joke

Goop is at it again! Gwyneth Paltrow has combined her love of absurdly expensive gifts with sex toys and the result is… interesting?

Do you like sex? Do you hate your savings account? Do you have a metal fetish? Well then, I have the perfect sex toy for you. Gwyneth Paltrow’s list of “not-so-basic sex toys” includes a variety of things that are definitely sex and definitely not basic. But the one that’s been making headlines is her recommendation of the Lelo Inez, a 24-karat gold dildo that retails for a slick $15,000.

At first, I tried to give G-as-in-g-spot-wyneth the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps gold does something erotic that no other metal can? Googling “effect of gold metal on sex organs” took me some very interesting places. One study found that injecting albino rats with gold increased their fertility. (Why albino rats? And why do rats get 24k gold when my wedding ring is only 14k?) I also discovered that some cultures think that wearing gold during sex will reduce a man’s sex drive. (Apparently they’ve never watched Empire.) Lastly, I saw a lot of pictures of Michael Phelps. Like, a lot. (Makes sense.)

But alas I couldn’t find any evidence that a golden dildo will give you better orgasms than, say, a silicone one. Better bragging rights, maybe, depending on your friend circle. My friends would just laugh hysterically at me and take my credit card away until I’d recovered my senses.

I’ll confess: The only part of me that feels aroused by any of this is my sense of injustice. $15,000? That’s more than my car cost. True, I drive a really crappy car but still, it’s at least a small down payment on a house. My point is, that if I’m going to drop that kind of cash on something, I’m not going to waste time sticking it up a bodily orifice.

So I got to thinking about what would make a $15k dildo worth it to me. Instead of a solid-gold dong to ding my bell, I’d want it to multitask. At the very least, a gold-plated tapered stick with vibrating action should: Scrub my dishes, unclog my vacuum, turn my bath into a jacuzzi, aerate my lawn, taze home intruders, double as a light saber for spontaneous Star Wars battles, signal airplanes from a deserted island, blend a decent smoothie, curl hair, whiten teeth, scare my cat away from licking her butt on the kitchen table and give me a rockstar orgasm.

Call me Gwyneth!

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If you want to get off in a luxurious way but not blow through several months’ pay, maybe check out our round-up of luxury vibrators that (mostly) don’t cost $15k — or shop some of these significantly more affordable ones.