Many people with vulvas have difficulty being able to achieve orgasm with only vaginal penetration, so if you’re one of them, you’re definitely not alone. During my time as a legal sex worker and sex educator, I’ve spoken with many people about their problems and their questions concerning matters in and out of the bedroom. One of the most frequent questions that comes up time and again is whether it is “normal” not to be able to have an orgasm during intercourse. Not only is it normal, it’s very common. According to a study published in in 2017, only 8 percent of women said that vaginal penetration alone was enough to make them come. That’s not good enough, and I’d love the opportunity to help.
In my experience, I’ve found that the most common reasons for an inability to orgasm are anxiety, lack of foreplay, positions that don’t provide good clitoral stimulation and desensitization from toys. Here are my suggestions for how to deal with each cause.
Slow it down
First, you need to stop thinking about sex as a goal-oriented activity. Sex is about enjoying yourself and enjoying someone else. You don’t need to have an orgasm to enjoy sex any more than you need dessert to enjoy a good dinner. Put yourself into a nice, relaxed state of mind and let yourself focus on expressing your desires with your partner.
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Men can be notorious for rushing sex, but women can be just as bad. Many women are so accustomed to using toys and climaxing in just a few minutes with that intense stimulation, they can lose patience with a reciprocating partner. Slow down your masturbatory sessions and turn down the vibration settings on your toys. Pretend you’re making love to yourself, give yourself foreplay, take the time to build up to something a little more monumental. Not only will you enjoy masturbating so much more, it’ll give you a much better experience in the bedroom because you won’t be used to having an average orgasm in four minutes when it’s going to take your partner 20 just to get you ready for the main event.
Perfect positions
As for positions, remember that you want close body contact. You and your partner should be leveraging pressure and friction across the clitoris if the goal is to have an orgasm during a vaginal encounter. That also means that positions that achieve this will involve less in-and-out movement and more circular and up-and-down movements to give you the right stimulation.
Try putting a small pillow directly under your buttocks; this will give your partner better access to your clitoris and make it much easier to achieve an angle of penetration that will allow you both to achieve simultaneous orgasm. As an added plus, positions like this will delay orgasm for your partner, making it far more likely for the two of you to climax together, especially with good communication.
My position recommendations include reverse doggy style, which will give you complete control over pace and penetration as well as give your partner a great show. You’ll also have great access to your clitoris in this position and can add manual stimulation or a toy to spice things up or bring you over the edge.
Another great position can be achieved with a small pillow under the buttocks, partner with the penis on top, with your knees either drawn back to your shoulders or parted to accommodate your partner. This position requires the person with the penis to do most of the work (and will also require them to be aware that they needs to try circular and up and down movements instead of simple penetration to get you close), but it’s close, intimate, allows for great romantic connection and kissing and gives your partner a constant sensation of deep penetration. Be warned, though: If your partner is well-endowed, this position can be a little intense.
Other options
Look into purchasing a sex sofa. Not only are these wonderful pieces of furniture super-comfortable for lounging around and reading a good book or surfing on your phone, but when your clothes come off, they are amazing for changing up positions and angles to maximize your experience. Sex sofas are also great for working with recovering injuries and disabilities, as they take a lot of pressure off of the joints during sex and allow more mobility and flexibility than a traditional flat surface or chair. Experimenting with new positions is a great way to learn your body and your partner’s as well.
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Look into toys you can enjoy with your partner, like the We-Vibe series. These types of toys will not only stimulate you, but will stimulate your partner and are designed to be used during sex. If you’re unable to achieve orgasm at all during normal intercourse, this will add sensation and stimulation to both of you so your partner can feel involved in your pleasure. Many of the models will work by wireless remote to avoid the awkwardness of having to manually change settings during intercourse and to spice things up with a little bit of fun, they are even fully programmable through an app on your phone.
As you can see, difficulty achieving orgasm doesn’t need to overshadow your intimacy, and it can be a great opportunity for you to practice communication skills in the bedroom with your partner. Make sure you’re investing just as much time into figuring out how your partner’s body works as well. It can be easy to assume penises are very simple when it comes to climaxing, but often there are several small changes you can make in the bedroom to help your partner have better orgasms too. Use your newfound communication to make your bedroom experience better for both of you.
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