Welcome to Better Sex With Dr. Lexx, a monthly column where sex therapist, educator and consultant Dr. Lexx Brown-James shares expertise, advice and wisdom about sex, relationships and more. Approaching education about sex as a life-long endeavor — “from womb to tomb” — Dr. Lexx (AKA The #CouplesClinician) is your guide to the shame-free, medically accurate, inclusive and comprehensive conversations for you, your partner and your whole family.
Shame. Shame. Shame. It’s a term and a feeling many of us are far too familiar with, especially when it comes to sexuality. Shame is a feeling that makes you feel wrong and unloveable. It’s more than guilt— it’s pervasive. We feel shame in every fiber of our being and typically avoid behaviors that trigger it. When it comes to sexuality — meaning intercourse, power-play, body esteem, orientation, expression, intimate and romantic relationships and how we feel pleasure, both nonsexual and sexual — shame has been used to deter people of all ages, backgrounds, orientations, and expressions from thriving. Shame is often used to force someone into perceived ‘normalcy’. After being in the field of sexuality for over a decade, I can confidently say: There is no such thing as normal when it comes to sexuality and shame has no place in sexual expression or education.
Spring is a time of transition. It is often a time when I see my clients of different religions fasting for spiritual clarity. The Lent of Catholicism, Ramadan of Islam, and even the Daniel Fast of some Christian faiths are known to take place during this time. Often worshippers sacrifice some sort of comfort for the sake of gaining spiritual closeness and connectedness. Although spring time can be the main time for fasting, I also witness worshippers give up all things sexuality based in their lives until they are married and beyond.
There is an idea when it comes to sexual shame that it helps to keep a person- typically most significantly a girl or woman ‘pure’ — often meaning virginal. The purpose of staying ‘pure’ for a future partner includes denying and fasting from things like sexual desire, sexual pleasure, sexual knowledge, and sexual expression. Each can come with a hefty dose of sexual shame and possible condemnation. Growing up in a Christian faith myself, I was told that the clitoris is the Devil’s Doorbell by clergy and that once it’s rung it can’t be un-rung. This meant that sexual self-pleasure, once had, was evil and once that pleasure was had, I would be ruined (i.e. not marriage material, whorish, unwanted).
This is a harsh stance, and for some it might have felt like the only way to ensure that youthful, unwed people did not become what others might deem as sexually promiscuous. The biggest issue is, however, despite belief systems, imbuing others with shame is not helpful. Instead it puts gaps between people and their faith. This is why I love the idea of relinquishing and fasting for those who practice it. And, whyI often encourage people to push a little harder and give up something else: Sexual Shame.
Further Reading from Dr. Lexx
Here are some places to start if you’re on a journey of relinquishment.
- Ericasmith.sex.ed : Erica Smith is the creator of the Purity Culture DropOut course which helps those who want to undue sexual shame from purity culture.
- Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski breaks down sexual desire, what impacts it and explains how to find your way back to arousal in a shame and judgment free way.
- The Body is Not An Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor’s book offers an unapologetic appreciation of the body in all of its glorious forms. Taylor issues an invitation to get rid of the shame and bask in the pleasure you are able to receive from the body you have right now.
- Queer Sex: Juno Roche’s book approaches gender from a much needed educational perspective that includes queer and trans lenses. The text provides a guide into gender expression, intimacy, and exploration for all people no matter their body.
- @Deconstructing Purity Culture: Sarah Lacour lives in recovery of purity culture and is working to help others heal on her Instagram.
- Pleasure Activism by adrienne maree brown uses this collection of essays to blow open the definitions of pleasure in order to show that pleasure can be had in all things.
- The Pleasure Gap by Kathering Rowland discusses desire and low libido from complex viewpoints in a refreshingly honest way so that others can find joy and pleasure.
- @Talk Purity to me: This instagram page offers insight into purity culture and how to undo it. Through personal experiences and witty banter this page fights the stigma and shame that comes with being entrenched in this culture.
These amazing resources make me wonder what a world without sexual shame would truly look like? What would it look like to have humans in the world who were able to be who they were unapologetically as long as it did not hurt or cross the boundaries of others? I imagine a world where a fat person could wear a bikini at a beach without fear of ridicule. A world where people who are in consensual non-monogamous relationships could put each other on their insurances. Or, even more simply, a world where those who were raised in very religious homes could still engage in sexual pleasure without feeling shame and still feel loved by whomever they worship.
If I go further, I think this world without sexual shame would be refreshing, as people would be honest about their relationship needs in friendships and partnerships. I would think that people could feel safer in the skin they were in, no matter what it looked like or how it was dressed. As a matter of fact, without sexual shame, each person could dress in ways that ensure their body was comfortable in whatever weather and situation they found themselves in. I could daydream what society would look like if sexual shame magically disappeared all day; and, the reality is, many of us are trying to heal from the sexual shame we still carry around. I wish us all healing.
Before you go, check out our favorite quotes to inspire positive attitudes about bodies and food:
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