In a relationship, everything that happens inside the bedroom has a sizable influence on everything outside of it — and vice versa. While some lucky partners can enjoy a thriving sex life no matter what’s going on in the outside world, many of us will feel our libidos waxing and waning depending on work, finances, stress, kids, family life, the amount of sleep we’re getting… the list is endless. Over the course of a marriage or long relationship, it’s normal to go through periods of less-frequent sex, but what happens when those periods get longer… and longer… and finally seem like they might never end? When should you truly walk away from a sexless marriage?
Let’s pause here and point out that there’s nothing necessarily “wrong” with not having sex in a partnership or marriage. “It is only a problem if it is a problem for your relationship,” therapist Lea Trageser, LMFT, of Helix Marriage and Family Therapy tells SheKnows. “Many couples might be in relationships that don’t have sex frequently or at all. That is OK as long as it is OK for them.”
A sexless marriage can become a problem, though, when there’s a discrepancy in desire or one partner’s needs are going unmet. “The partner who wants sex in the relationship may start to feel lonely and insecure about themselves,” licensed marriage and family therapist Laurie Singer, MS, BCBA, tells SheKnows. Resentment and disconnection can follow. Research has also noted a connection between sex and mental health, with one 2019 study finding that “both being sexually active and more frequent sex were associated with better mental health.” All of which is to say: if you’re in a sexless marriage and don’t want to be, you might be wondering whether you should give up and walk away or stick it out and try to fix things. But how?
What Is a Sexless Marriage?
While exact definitions vary, a sexless marriage is typically defined as a marriage in which you and your partner are having sex no more than 10 times a year, Singer says. And as it turns out, sexless marriages are more common than you might think: a 2018 study found that over 15 percent of couples surveyed hadn’t had sex for the past year, and 13.5 percent hadn’t had sex for the past five years.
This is more than just a dry spell — it’s a prolonged period without sex, also sometimes called a dead bedroom. “Over time relationships change, that is just a fact,” Singer says. “The secret is accepting the change and moving forward with each other, not away from each other.” A sexless marriage often (but not always!) points to the latter.
6 Causes of Sexless Marriage
As any long-term couple can tell you, your libido can change a lot over the course of a relationship. “Life gets busy,” Singer points out. “Kids, jobs, and illnesses can lead partners to lose their sexual desire.”
If you’re in a sexless relationship where the lack of sex is a problem, your dead bedroom is likely a symptom of a deeper issue. According to sex therapist Aliyah Moore, the root causes of a sexless marriage can include:
Stress and a busy lifestyle: It’s not easy to balance work, family, chores, and other obligations. Now add the demands and energy required to keep up an active sex life into that mix. The weight of those burdens might be the cause of a couple’s lack of sex, Moore says.
Communication issues: If you and your partner aren’t communicating well, and especially if you’re having arguments that you’re not fully resolving, you might start to feel emotionally distant and less up for intimacy. The “accumulation of feelings of resentment, anger or disappointment may be a barrier for couples to be physically close,” Moore says.
Changes in relationship dynamics: “Couples may have some changes in attraction, intimacy, and desire for sexual connections,” Moore explains. Some lifestyle transitions, like aging or becoming parents, may naturally “reduce sexual desire and frequency,” she adds.
Health concerns: Physical or mental health issues like chronic pain, fatigue, hormonal disorders, or mental disorders can have a big impact on your sex life, Moore says. In addition, some medications you might use to treat these conditions, such as anti-depressants, can also decrease your libido.
Lack of spontaneity: It’s normal to fall into patterns and habits as a couple. When things get a little too repetitive in the bedroom, though, you might notice you’re having less sex due to simple boredom and monotony.
Mismatched libidos: Many partners have different levels of desire, and it’s definitely possible to keep up a thriving sex life when this is the case — but it’s not always easy. The sex drive mismatch can cause “tension and frustration in the relationship,” Moore explains, as the partner who wants it more might experience “feelings of inadequacy or rejection.”
4 Effects of a Sexless Marriage
While some people might not mind (or might actually prefer) a sex-free marriage, for other couples, it can lead to a host of difficulties. “Intimacy and physical touch are part of who we are as humans and a necessity for so many of us,” Dr. Elisabeth Crain, a psychotherapist who specializes in couples counseling, tells SheKnows. Lacking that kind of physical connection can certainly impact a marriage negatively, Dr. Crain explains. “This isn’t to say that you can’t experience intimacy in other ways, but a lot of people connect through sex, especially women,” she says. Often, sex provides “closeness and emotional connectivity” for women; it tends to be more physical for men, who might “not be getting their physical needs met” in a sexless marriage (though of course, any gender can experience either of those effects).
Other negative effects of a sexless marriage include:
- Emotional distance: Because sexual intimacy tends to strengthen emotional bonds, the lack of it may lead to couples feeling disconnected, Dr. Molly Burrets, a psychotherapist and adjunct professor at the University of Southern California in the Department of Marriage and Family Therapy, tells SheKnows. That disconnection can then “lead to feelings of loneliness or rejection.”
- Self-esteem issues: “A lack of sexual intimacy may cause one or both partners to question their desirability, leading to decreased self-confidence,” Dr. Burrets says. This is especially true if one partner is trying to initiate (and getting rejected) more often than the other.
- Resentment or frustration: If there’s a desire imbalance between partners, “resentment, frustration, or feelings of inadequacy” can build up as the dry spell continues, Dr. Burrets explains.
- Communication challenges: The absence of sex can sometimes be a symptom of underlying issues, “such as unresolved conflicts, stress, or mismatched libidos,” Dr. Burrets says. If those deeper problems aren’t addressed, “they can erode the relationship further.”
4 Signs To Walk Away From a Sexless Marriage
When it comes to walking away from a sexless marriage, remember that no two relationships are the same and your breaking point might be different than someone else’s. To determine yours, Singer recommends asking yourself a few questions.
For one thing, are you or your partner getting your sexual satisfaction elsewhere? While some types of porn can help your explore your libido, porn can also be “a big contributor to sex in marriages declining,” Singer says. “Obviously an affair can be as well.” You should also ask yourself how important sex is in your relationship. “If it’s a deal breaker in the relationship, then this needs to be addressed with your partner,” Singer says.
If you’re deciding whether or not to leave a sexless marriage, you’ll likely need to evaluate your relationship as a whole, Moore says. This includes looking at aspects like “communication, emotional connection, common values, and how other areas of life are in harmony.” According to Moore, some signs of a deeper incompatibility may include:
- Consistent lack of desire: If you or your partner lack sexual interest over a long period of time, even after you’ve both attempted to address the problem, “it could symbolize a fundamental lack of compatibility in sexual needs and interests,” Moore says.
- Emotional disconnection: Sometimes a lack of physical closeness points to a lack of emotional intimacy. If that’s the case, there’s a likely a deeper issue in your relationship that you need to address to return it to a healthy place.
- Resentment or hostility: “As time goes by, resentments and hostilities between partners… can destroy the feeling of being close and together,” Moore explains. “An ongoing negative or conflictive environment around sexual matters could indicate some latent problem.”
- Unwillingness to address the issue: “If one or both of the partners are unwilling to acknowledge or address the lack of intimacy problem in the relationship, it might suggest their apathy for resolving problems or indifference in maintaining the relationship,” Moore says.
Remember that leaving or staying in any relationship is “an incredibly personal decision,” Trageser says. If looking for specific signs or limits isn’t helpful, know that — at the very least — safety and respect is paramount when you’re talking about your wants, needs, and feelings around physical intimacy. “If there is disrespect, demeaning, or devaluing present during these conversations, then that is a red flag,” Trageser says.
How Many Sexless Marriages End In Divorce?
It’s hard to know exactly how many sexless marriages end in divorce, but studies suggest that they’re certainly more likely to end in divorce than those with an active sexual relationship, Dr. Burrets says. One 2017 study of nearly 18,000 people found that over 15 percent of married individuals hadn’t had sex in the last year, with over 13 percent reporting that they hadn’t had it in the last five — and people in sexless marriages tend to report more “dissatisfaction that leads to separation,” Dr. Burrets says, versus married people who have sex.
Still, sex isn’t the only consideration when it comes to deciding on a divorce. “The likelihood of divorce depends on a number of factors,” Dr. Burrets says, including the level of satisfaction in other areas of the relationship and the ability to communicate about and willingness to address the issue. “Other features that connect a couple, such as children, shared history, and financial interdependence, are also likely to be considered when a couple decides whether to divorce due to this issue.”
Is Divorce the Only Solution To a Sexless Marriage?
It’s understandable that those of us in sexless marriages think divorce might be the only solution, because many of us view sexual incompatibility “as an insurmountable issue,” Dr. Burrets says. “This belief may stem from feelings of rejection, hopelessness, or the idea that a partner’s lack of desire reflects a deeper, unfixable problem in the relationship.”
But, she says, divorce definitely isn’t the only answer when you’re in a sexless marriage; Dr. Crain bills it as a “last resort.” She recommends getting creative about how your marriage looks — and thinking hard about how much effort you’re really putting in. “Relationships are constant work, especially if you’ve been together a long time,” she explains. And “while sex is an important component of many marriages,” Dr. Burrets notes, “a sexless marriage can often be addressed and repaired with the right tools and effort from both partners.”
11 Ways To Fix a Sexless Marriage
If you’re looking to rehab a sexless marriage and resuscitate that dead bedroom, our experts agree that communication is key. “Simply put, tell your partner what you want,” Singer says. Specifically, Moore adds, “Open up and talk to your partner in a sincere and direct way about your attitudes, likes, and concerns on the topic of intimacy in your relationship.” Just as important: “Do not blame or criticize” while you’re doing it. “Show your needs and care for what your partner is feeling,” Moore says.
Here are a few other things our experts recommend to get a sexless marriage or relationship back on track:
Reflect on your sexuality and your partner’s. “Look back on times in your relationship and life where you were feeling in touch with your sexuality,” Trageser says. “What was different then?” Maybe something about your life or environment has changed, like having kids, going through a stressful period at work, or experiencing less overall intimacy with your partner. “Reflect on things that hit your sexuality accelerator, and reflect on things that pull your sexuality emergency brake,” Trageser says. “Through reflection and curiosity you can reveal a map that you can use to explore physical intimacy more.” Then, you and your partner can learn each other’s “maps,” sharing these revelations “with respect and curiosity,” she explains.
Identify any underlying issues. Stress, relationship disputes, health concerns, and certain medications all have the potential to tank your libido. “Seeing what the primary factors are will allow you to deal with them properly,” Moore says. Singer agrees, noting that issues like erectile dysfunction or pain (whether is during sex or not) can change your sexual relationship. “Whatever may be the cause of sex declining in the relationship, be understanding of one another,” Singer says.
Have some honest conversations. Quick reminder: your partner isn’t a mind reader. If one of you isn’t getting their needs met, it’s time to talk. “People get into trouble in their relationships because there’s this presumed crystal ball that we expect our partners to be able to read,” Dr. Crain says. “The most important thing is to vocalize your needs in that marriage. If sex is one of those needs, you need to communicate that to your partner.” She recommends creating a list of needs and sharing it with your partner in an open conversation. “Express that there’s a deficit in the marriage,” she says, and talk about what changes you want to see.
Schedule intimacy and alone time. Sometimes you need to literally schedule in the time to be emotionally or physically intimate, like you would a work meeting or your kid’s soccer practice. It may feel silly or awkward at first, but this makes it clear that intimacy and connecting with each other is a priority on the level of work and family engagements.
Redefine what intimacy is. Getting intimate doesn’t have to equate to penetrative sex — or any kind of sexual activity, for that matter. “Rediscovering emotional closeness through touch, affection, or quality time can help rebuild the foundation for physical intimacy,” Dr. Burrets says. You can use your scheduled intimate time to have honest conversations, engage in non-sexual touching (like holding hands or cuddling), or just enjoy a moment of stillness together.
Get out of the house. If it’s hard to feel sexy in your home (kids running around, a mess everywhere you step, etc.), Dr. Crain recommends going for regular vacations together — or a quick staycation at a local hotel, even if it’s just one night. “You can create your own schedule,” she says. “Couples can get creative and find ways to reimagine and regain what has been lost.”
Get experimental. Sometimes the bedroom goes dead because of monotony, pure and simple. If this is your situation, “open up to various solutions and experiment with new activities or new means to restore drives and enthusiasm in your bedroom,” Moore says. Get vulnerable and share your fantasies while encouraging your partner to do the same, talking through what you’ve been craving and how you can try new positions, kinks, or sex toys in a safe, consensual manner.
Focus on pleasure, not a “goal.” Many of us have a habit of seeing sex as a goal-oriented task, where you can only “succeed” if both partners (or at least one) achieve orgasm. This can put a ton of pressure on your intimate moments and suck all the fun out of it. Instead, “draw the attention to enjoyment and bonding,” Moore says. Take your time, shift your mindset, and focus on simply being together and enjoying each other’s company.
Take care of yourself as an individual. Like we mentioned, the bedroom isn’t vacuum-sealed; everything that happens outside of it impacts what happens inside of it, and vice versa. With that in mind, check in with yourself. Are you squeezing in some self-care time? Are you paying attention to your mental and physical health? “Make sure you take care of both your physical and emotional needs beyond the relationship,” Moore says. Make time for stress-relieving activities like exercise, meditation, reading, or therapy — anything that helps you reconnect with yourself as an individual. Increasing your self-esteem and overall wellness “will ultimately help your relationship” in and out of the bedroom, Moore say.
Try sex therapy or couples therapy, if it’s accessible. Therapy can be “a very useful tool” for those dealing with sexless relationships, Singer says. “The therapist will give you exercises, open your communication and provide you with the guidance you and your partner may need to improve your sex life.”
Be patient. If you’ve been dealing with a dead bedroom for a while, you might feel pressure to fix it ASAP. What’s really needed, though, is patience — for both your partner and yourself. “Getting the closeness restored is a time-consuming process,” Moore says, “so don’t be hard on yourself or your partner.” Stay persistent as you make positive changes, don’t let new obstacles demoralize you, and lean on each other for support as you go.
The Bottom Line
Quick reminder: at the end of the day, your relationship and your sex life are yours. The amount of sex you’re having (or not having) is only a problem if it’s not meeting your needs or your partner’s, and comparing it to how much sex you think others are having isn’t helpful either. “For many couples, having a sexless marriage doesn’t mean the demise of the relationship,” Singer says. “It may be just fine for them. Working with some individuals between the ages of 60-80, I’ve found that sex is often just not that important to them. The couples still show intimacy towards each other by hugging, cuddling, or holding hands.”
In other words, experiencing a dead bedroom doesn’t mean your relationship is unsalvageable. “What matters is what the partners want and need from the relationship,” Singer says. And if you’re not getting what you need — in or out of the bedroom — everything starts with communication. Talk to your partner, get vulnerable, and make sure you’re on the same page to work through this together.
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