Once upon a time, I was single. As a matter of fact, for two years, I will admit I was not very selective either. After all, I was merely testing the waters of dating (I was in a relationship for nine consecutive years prior and had no idea what to expect).
My first time as an adult in my singledom, I went out with different types of men. I wasn’t sure what I wanted. What resulted? Going out on different types of dates in varying horrors. While the men varied in shape and size and the dates differed in venues and activity, the conclusion was usually the same: Awkward moments, followed by politeness, followed by me backing (sometimes running) away in horror. Don’t believe me? Read on:
Did He Just Eat My Food?
When I met Joe, I was certain he was a great date pedigree. The lawyer was dressed in nice slacks and an argyle sweater when he approached me at a bar. It was happy hour, not a prime time for picking up women, so I figured, talking to him couldn’t hurt. He got me a drink, we chatted, and it wasn’t long before he was out of the bar with my number. He called, we met for Thai, and I had no idea what would come next. I ordered my Thai usual — green curry beef, my favorite. Joe devoured his meal in what felt like five minutes. The reporter in me barely got to ask more than three questions. I continued to eat and before I knew it, Joe’s fork was elbow deep into my meal! It’s not like he asked for a French fry or a mozzarella stick. This was an intense dish … with sauce … that required scooping. I don’t know about you, but I’m not about to share wet food with strangers. And to top it all off, I’m such a slow eater (or at least slower than this meal monster), he practically finished my meal.
I Just Wanted Some Robitussin
Ahhh, a fix-up. Yes, I used to pray for those. A blind date, likely set up by a good friend or family member, means meeting a nice man. Or, so I thought. I met Carlo through my man-pal, Anthony. He swore by him. “He’s a cool guy and he owns a house,” my friend tells me. I was sold. I arrived at Carlo’s condo; he was going to take me to a restaurant nearby. I came in and the boy wasn’t ready. Ugh! This is not going great at all. Shouldn’t I be the one making him wait? Against my better judgment, I waited for Carlo. To my dismay, a cold-and-cough combo took hold. I was coughing non-stop — I didn’t want to go on a date barking. Carlo offers me Robitussin — awww! After he handed me the Robitussin, I couldn’t believe what happened shortly after… Carlo dropped his pants and showed me his (ummm) world. I quickly got up (after screaming, “No, no, no”), ran to the door, and jumped in my car. Wait — the story isn’t over. I had parked in Carlo’s driveway behind his two-door coupe. I was so frazzled, instead of putting my car in reverse, I had put it in drive, hitting Carlo’s car and denting his bumper on my way out. I never spoke to creepy Carlo (or my “friend” Anthony) again.
We’re Going to Get Caught
I gave the fix-up another try. This time it was my cousin Grace who set me up. She knows my type, so I trust that I will have a good time with Matt, one of her good friends from college. After the dropping-pants incident, I told Matt I’d meet him at the movie theater. We don’t want another penis mishap. He looked great from afar — he had a blazer on, fashionable sandblasted denim, and a swagger. We walked up to the Fandango machine. He didn’t take the lead so I went ahead with my Super Woman self and punched in the movie choices. Then, it was time to pay. Matt wasn’t reaching for his wallet — weird, I thought. At that point, I thought, it’s the new millennium, I can pay for this and he can get the popcorn and soda. I swiped my card. All of a sudden, Matt hits cancel. I think to myself, oh, he will pay, he just wasn’t paying attention. Sweet! But does Matt pay? No. Matt changes the selection from two adult tickets to two children’s tickets. Oh my! I then whispered, “What are you doing? We’re going to get caught. We’re only saving a couple of bucks. Are you nuts?” Matt ignored me and before I knew it, two children’s tickets had been purchased for us (two individuals in our late 20s) with my money. Now it’s your turn — share your dating horror stories below!
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