Better left unsaid
Think about it. How often have you heard comments like these delivered in a serious way:
“Hey, Marybeth, just so you know, I’m feeling really badly that you’re going to go to the Caribbean for a month with Richard. I think my husband and I deserve to go away just as much as you two.”
Or: “When you drove by in your fancy new car, I imagined what it would be like if it were in my driveway, not yours. I think I’m actually smarter than you are and should make more money than you do.”
Or: “I can’t stand seeing you in that dress. I was always thinner than you, and now you look better than I do, which makes me feel just awful. I wish you would gain weight.”
Probably never. And if you heard anything of the sort, you might even decide you weren’t with a real friend. There’s a myth that true friends aren’t jealous of each other. But they are — sometimes more than of anyone else. They just love each other enough to get over it.
Get over it
Getting over it, though, means you have to admit it, at least to yourself. Because denying feelings leads not only to shame and guilt, but also to sadness, helplessness, anxiety, and low self-esteem.
Quietly coveting the good fortune or success that your friend, sibling, or neighbor is enjoying makes you focus even more on the fact that you don’t have it. All kinds of unconscious questions are stirred up, some of them deeply rooted in childhood insecurities: What’s wrong with me? Am I not smart enough? Not pretty enough? Not diligent enough? Not lovable enough?
The hurtful side
That was the case with Joyce, who’d been struggling with feelings of worthlessness. Her marriage of 20-odd years had just ended. What made matters worse, she told me tearfully, was how alone she felt.
Joyce was describing symptoms of major depression — but that was her diagnosis, not her story.
“No one can understand what it’s like to go through a divorce unless they have,” she said. “Even Carol, my sister, has no idea. It’s not worth talking to her anymore.”
“You aren’t speaking?”
She shook her head.
“For how long?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” she said. She shrugged. “Six weeks, maybe.”
“Were the two of you close?”
“Too close. She lives a mile away. I used to talk to her at least twice a day, and we’d drop by each other’s houses all the time. But she just asks maddening questions now, and we start to argue, so it’s better like this.”
“What does she ask?”
“Everything from how Tim and I are dividing our assets, to custody stuff, to whether I’m going to start dating. It’s endless.”
“Those questions aren’t relevant?” I asked.
Joyce leaned forward slightly in her seat. “Not when she’s sitting home with her husband and kids trying to decide whether to build a vacation house in Aspen, they’re not.” She seemed to catch herself and settled back. “It’s not as if I’m jealous of her,” she said. “I’m just saying…”
“Why wouldn’t you be?” I asked.
“Jealous? Of Carol? I love her.”
“Jealousy and love aren’t mutually exclusive,” I said. “And sibling rivalry is just another name for jealousy. It doesn’t go away when you turn 15 — or 50.”
Joyce thought about that for several seconds. “How do I deal with it, if I do feel it?”
5 steps to being jealous-less
That question is one I’ve been asked by lots of people. So I’ve come up with this five-step strategy:
If a relationship in your life is in turmoil, consider whether jealousy (the fear of losing the attention or affection of a loved one) or envy (the desire to possess what others have) might be involved.
Remind yourself that although they are painful, these are normal human emotions. Having them doesn’t mean you’re a bad spouse or a bad friend or a bad sibling.
Whatever it is you feel you’re missing out on, consider whether you’d really want that particular thing in your life. For example, you might envy a friend’s wealth but would never actually trade your free time or the pleasure you take in less-lucrative work. Or even though you might wish your own child could gain admission to a prestigious college that accepted your friend’s kid, in your heart, you know that school isn’t the one that will end up enhancing your child’s self-esteem and potential for success.
Be aware that circumstances change — for all of us. The acquaintance or sibling who outshines you today may be the one who needs your help or compassion a week, or a month, or a year from now.
If you really do want what your friend or sister has, think of one positive step toward attaining it — and take it right away. Register for a course on investment planning or changing careers, give online dating a shot, get plans drawn for a new addition to your house (even if you won’t start construction for a year or two).
I shared these ideas with Joyce, and then said, “What if your sister asked you to look at plans for that house she’s building? Or photos of the land in Colorado? It could be very difficult for you right now. So you’re keeping your distance.”
She looked down. “Which makes me a terrible sister,” she said. “Add that to the list.”
“No,” I said. “It doesn’t mean you’re a bad sister — it just means you’re human.”
Keith Ablow, M.D., is a psychiatrist and author. His latest book is Living the Truth.
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Reprinted with Permission of Hearst Communications, Inc. Originally Published: Getting Over Jealousy
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