Learn how to make him commit: The Secret Lives of Men

Challenge No. 2:

The escape from Neverland is about committing to the steady day-to-day effort involved in work and love. The response by the Peter Pan Man to this notion is, “I don’t want to!” Sometimes the Peter Pan Man undertakes a new venture in adult living because he really cares about his romantic partner and is trying to be more involved in the relationship. But there is still the question of his default setting of wanting to fly away when things get too complicated or cumbersome. For instance, maybe it is the holidays and your Peter Pan Man is not big on the family thing, but he goes ahead and accompanies you on the visit to see your family anyway because he knows it means a lot to you. You realize it is a bit of a stretch for him, but it makes you feel good inside that he is making the effort. You see him playing in the backyard with all your brother and sister’s kids, and he even seems to be enjoying it! And you begin to think, “Wow, he is really turning the corner. Maybe we could talk about taking that next step, settle in, and even have kids of our own someday!” Then during the drive home he comments, “Yeah, that was something, wasn’t it! Could you imagine being tied down like that?!! I would go mad.”Other times, the Peter Pan Man will flirt with the idea of trying something new because it could be entertaining. Even the original Peter Pan liked to pretend he and Wendy were grown-ups in love with a houseful of sons placed in their charge. This could find its way into both areas of love and work: “The idea of starting and keeping a real job could be fun. I get to dress up and carry a briefcase and have a real reason for using my cell phone. Did I tell you I get a business card with my name on it? Pretty cool!” But the real test comes as Marie Louise von Franz suggested, on those rainy Monday mornings or sunny Friday afternoons when work is the last place he wants to be: “Everybody else is out having fun and I am stuck at this lousy job working… grumble…  grumble… grumble.” The temptation is to call in sick or just blow the whole thing off: “Yeah, the boss said I have been putting in some really serious hours at work lately, so he told me I should just work from home today.”One of the mistakes that partners and friends make is expecting a Peter Pan Man to have a smooth transformation into a grown-up state without any backsliding. This is an unrealistic hope and will lead to frustration on everybody’s part. To break the Neverland barrier involves a back-and-forth process of adjustment: one step forward and sometimes two back. It has to be worked at until he is finally ready to permanently breach the Neverland barrier. The hope is that a man may cross over the Neverland barrier in at least one significant area of his life and use that experience as an internal guide for more adult behavior. This often involves finding the right “Wendy” that compels him to grow up. This Wendy may be a literal person or a symbolic life event, mission, or purpose. It must be something that he commits himself to on a daily basis, something important enough to encourage him to weather the natural ups and downs that come with any situation. This includes sticking to it when things get tough, boring, or even when others outside his window seem to be having all the fun. Following this prescription to fruition means the Peter Pan Man will begin to see the manly stubble of a beard on his once boy-like chin.

Wake-up Call: How to Identify a Peter Pan Man

1. You hear too often that commitment is an overblown concept.
2. In his life, people are easily replaced.
3. He has a history of feeling like jobs or relationships are a constant infringement upon his freedom.
4. He has a blank stare when asked what he thinks being in a mature relationship really means.
5. He has lived off of his boyish charm at work or in relationships while really making no substantial contributions.
6. He pulls for a maternal reaction from you that lets him off the hook from adult responsibilities, like keeping a job or doing the needed work in a relationship.