Surefire Tips: Say the Right Thing
By Sheryl
April 26
Last week I wrote about the blunders people make when they come face-to-face with someone who is facing a cancer diagnosis. I know it’s difficult on both sides: The shock of a diagnosis left me speechless at times. If I couldn’t find the words, then why was it so difficult to understand how others couldn’t either?
People often struggle to figure out a way to say something, anything – but so often the right something is so elusive.
DON’T
Don’t tell the recently diagnosed person that you know a woman who just died, had a negative mammogram or recently had a scare. And don’t tell her that you know just how she feels (unless you’ve also gone through a similar experience), because even though you may be the most empathetic person in the world, you can’t possibly know.
| It’s okay to say, “You must be scared.” |
DO
Do admit that you might not know just what to say, but that you are here for her nonetheless. Let her know that you are willing to do anything she might need, even if it’s just listening. (Another gesture that I’ll never forget is what a former co-worker did for me the day I arrived home from the hospital. He traveled many miles through a bad snowstorm, pulled a chair up to my bedside, where I lay in a combination of shock and drug-induced haze, and sat, silently, for hours. No words were exchanged. In retrospect, no words could have helped as much as his quiet presence that day.)
DON’T
Don’t label the person as though they are sick. Many women are so inundated with medical procedures and tests that they want to get back to “normal” as much as possible outside the doctor’s office. One survivor told me, “I still see people who say, ‘And how do you feel?’ as if I’d just recovered from the plague! Many survivors don’t want to be thought of as having permanent patient status. I even had a friend who introduced me to someone as, ‘My friend who has cancer.’ I’d had my surgery and was moving on.”
DO
Do remember to ask the person about her life, her children, her activities—anything that gives her joy outside of what she is going through. Invite her out to lunch, to a funny movie, for a day of shopping—anything that will take her away from the medical and put her back into everyday life.
DON’T
Don’t shy away by ignoring the facts of the disease. It’s frightening. Plain and simple. It’s okay for you and your friend to be scared.
DO
Do acknowledge the person’s fear. After all, it’s real and appropriate. It’s okay to say, “You must be scared.” Talk about the cancer with her (if that’s what she wants). If you’ve just read something pertaining to the subject, ask first if she’d like you to share the information with her. Follow her lead. You’ll be able to tell in no time what she needs by simply listening.
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