Cancer awareness blogs

A letter

By Liz
March 26, 2010

Dear friend (you who have been diagnosed with cancer or are caring for a family member with cancer),

My request may come as a surprise. I know that since the diagnosis you have been overwhelmed with offers of help – casseroles left on your doorstep, dog walking services, cards and calls with promises to do anything you need. Well, if I am going to be completely honest, I have no idea what you need.

People always say not to tell people in crisis, “Let me know if you need anything.” They say that just puts the burden on them and most likely they will never take you up on the offer. But my friend, to be completely honest, I don’t know what you need; I don’t know what to do.

So at the risk of breaking the “rules” I admit it — I have no idea how to be your friend right now.

I am trying really hard to sympathize with what you are going through, to know the right balance of asking you for updates and avoiding the topic altogether. I am trying to understand your different moods, to respect your desire for privacy and your need to talk. I hope I am sufficiently supportive, sympathetic and understanding.

But you see, I thought I was all of those things after your first child was born. Years later, I had my first child and cringed at the thought of just how little I had understood what you were going through – the sleep deprivation, the irrational fears, the overwhelming emotions. And now I am afraid that I will miss the mark again because I have not been through these things and how can I truly understand?

So at the risk of breaking the “rules” I admit it — I have no idea how to be your friend right now. But don’t worry, I will not burden you and require a response. Instead, I will give myself permission to be the best friend I know how. I will allow myself to sometimes say the wrong thing and hopefully sometimes do the right thing. It’s the best I can do. Of course, if you want to tell me, I will gladly listen.

And someday, if I am in your shoes, I will be sad to know how you once suffered and grateful you know how to be there for me.

Signed,
Your friend

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