Lover or Fighter?
By Liz
February 24, 2010
I want to build on something Jamie wrote about last week. Like Jamie, I am a writer and share her opinion that words matter.
Last week she wrote:
“So what are we really saying when we talk about cancer?
We often say a person is “struck with disease” or “cancer-stricken.” People “battle” or “fight” cancer. After all, this is the “war on cancer.”
“When someone dies, we say they “succumbed” to cancer or “lost the battle”. Did they not “fight” hard enough? Were they any less strong than the people still living?”
When people talk about my mother, who has had both brain and skin cancer, they say she is so tough, such a “survivor.” Technically, that’s true. She is alive and well, so clearly she has survived. But does that make my friend who died from skin cancer weaker than my mother? And does it matter?
This Christmas, my husband and I learned an old friend was diagnosed with two brain tumors. This man is in his early forties, a marathoner, father and all around good guy. Some of his friends set up a web page where his vast network of friends, family and colleagues can get updates on his health and post messages for him.
In reading through the messages, I’ve noticed how many people are telling this man to “fight” and “you can beat this thing” or “win this battle.” I know the sentiments are all well-intentioned, but how is the message received? What if our friends and family don’t want to do “battle” ? What if they are lovers not fighters? Is it as appropriate to urge them to, “relax” or “go with the flow” or maybe even “laugh often”?
One of the things that strikes me about dealing with cancer is how life-consuming it can be, especially in later stages – daily chemo treatments and long commutes to treatment centers. Faced with that situation, would I don my battle gear and FIGHT or would I retreat and try to capture whatever peaceful moments I could? Who knows? And who cares?
Just as in living cancer free, we strive to understand and accept each other’s lifestyle choices, we must do the same for people who are “living with cancer” – both the lovers and the fighters.
What would you do? Or what have those around you done? Leave us a comment below.
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