If you’ve ever watched February 14 approaching with dread, sadness, or just plain bitterness, you know exactly why Valentine’s Day depression is a thing. Yes, this is a day built around love and joy, but sometimes when mid-February rolls around, you’re feeling anything but loving and joyful. Maybe you’re fresh off a rocky breakup or divorce, maybe you’re chronically single, or maybe you’re in a relationship that’s not quite right. Whatever your relationship status, if you’re not meeting the narrow, commercialized definition of what romantic love is “supposed” to look like, chances are you have some negative feelings floating around this time of year.
“Culturally, Valentine’s Day is a highly charged holiday that caries significant weight, especially among young people and young women in particular,” therapist Beth Brown, director of health and wellbeing at ComPsych, tells SheKnows. “There is a lot of external pressure and expectation for Valentine’s Day to look and feel a certain way.”
So if you’re feeling depressed this Valentine’s Day, know that you’re far from alone. Just like the December holiday season can bring up complicated feelings and mental health issues, so can Valentine’s Day — especially when you get to comparing your day to what you see on social media or in movies. We asked two mental health experts how to make it through February 14 (and all the days before and after) when you’re dealing with Valentine’s Day depression.
What Is Valentine’s Day Depression?
Valentine’s Day depression refers to those feelings of sadness, inadequacy, grief, or even jealousy — any negative, challenging emotions — you might experience around and triggered by this holiday. It can happen to any of us, regardless of whether you’re partnered or not. If you’re not in a relationship, maybe you’re feeling inadequate or even unloveable. If you’re grieving a breakup, this day “can be especially triggering and may heighten feelings of loss or loneliness,” Brown says.
And those of us in relationships aren’t immune to Valentine’s Day depression either, especially if “expectations and reality [of the relationship] don’t align,” Brown explains. “Complicated feelings can arise from unmet needs or disappointment when a partner doesn’t deliver on a particular vision of how one may feel the day should be celebrated.”
“Feeling low during this time is common,” agrees David A. Yadush, LPCC, senior clinical operations manager at BetterHelp. That’s why, he says, “it’s important to shape the day in a way that feels right for you — including if you choose not to celebrate at all.” The good news? “There are tools to help you build confidence in yourself and your relationships,” Yadush tells SheKnows, “no matter your relationship status.”
8 Tips for Coping With Valentine’s Day Depression
If you’re struggling with Valentine’s Day depression this year, both of our experts suggest doing your best to see the holiday in a different light. As Yadush says, “there’s no right or wrong way to celebrate love.” We’re willing to bet that there’s love in your life — maybe a lot of it! — even if you’re not in a relationship. It’s just a matter of finding it, letting yourself appreciate it, and letting go of the social media- and capitalism-fueled expectations of Valentine’s Day.
Here are more expert-approved ways to cope with Valentine’s Day depression:
Shift your thinking about Valentine’s Day. February 14 doesn’t have to be all about romantic love, specifically; you can also mentally reframe it to be “inclusive of other loving relationships such as those among family members and friends as well as self-love,” Brown says. “This can be a time to reflect on all the areas of your life where one does feel love and belonging.” This day is yours to define, Yadush adds. “Take time to appreciate the love already present in your life—friends, family, pets or even the kindness of strangers—rather than focusing on what you feel is missing.”
Acknowledge your feelings. That said, it’s OK to be struggling with tough feelings this Valentine’s Day. It’s actually healthy to “recognize that you may be feeling sad, lonely, or wishing you had a romantic partner to celebrate with,” Brown explains. “Naming emotions can actually be helpful to take away some of the power that they may hold over you.” It’s definitely better than trying to shove them to the side or distract yourself by overbooking yourself so you can’t think about them — because as hard as you try to push them away, you’ll need to feel those feelings sooner or later. “Let the feelings come and know that it’s okay to feel exactly as you do,” Brown says.
Reflect on the positives of being single (if you are). If you aren’t partnered this year and are feeling some type of way about it, that’s OK — but it’s also worth acknowledging the good parts about being single. “For many, it may allow for greater personal growth, freedom in decision-making, and the opportunity to build strong, meaningful relationships with friends and family,” Yadush explains. “Embracing this time in your life can help shift your perspective from what you lack to what you gain.”
Practice gratitude and self-reflection. In this moment when you’re feeling negative, challenge yourself to lean into gratitude. Pick out a few things you’re grateful for in your life or about yourself — even if they’re small — and reflect on words of encouragement or affirmation you’ve either received or told yourself, Kadush suggests. “Cultivating self-love and confidence not only benefits you but can also inspire others,” he explains.
Limit social media use. If you’re the kind of person who tends to feel inadequate or can’t help making comparisons when you log on to social media, consider limiting your use of these platforms on Valentine’s Day (and maybe a few days after, too). “Disconnecting can allow you to avoid content that might amplify your discomfort,” Yadush says. “Remember, what we see online is a curated highlights reel, whereas life is far more complex.”
Stay in the moment. When you’re feeling down, it’s easy to catastrophize and convince yourself that you’ll always feel this way: unhappily single, unloveable, disappointed in your relationship, or whatever your negative inner voice is telling you right now. Step out of that thought spiral by intentionally grounding yourself — through meditation, breathwork, mindfulness exercises, or whatever grounding techniques works for you. Try not to get caught in worries about the future or regrets about the past; instead, just stay in the present moment.
Do something (anything!) that brings you joy. Your Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to match what’s shown in rom-coms, cards, or on social media. Instead, make it a day about showing love to yourself by doing something you really really enjoy. Brown recommends being intentional about the day and scheduling an activity that brings you “joy and fulfillment,” whether that’s going out to dinner with friends, whipping up your favorite meal, indulging in a comforting bubble bath, or spending the night with your favorite TV show.
Reach out for support. While it’s OK and totally normal to have mixed or negative emotions around Valentine’s Day, know that you don’t have to weather them alone. Schedule some time with loved ones or make time to speak with a therapist if you feel you need more hands-on support. “There is no shame in admitting you may be struggling with your mental health, and there are compassionate, qualified counselors that are ready and willing to provide a safe, non-judgmental space to help you re-discover your joy and fulfillment,” Brown explains.
Most of all, don’t judge yourself for not feeling cheery or full of romance this Valentine’s Day. Wherever you are in life and whatever your relationship status, you’re worthy of love and affection — whether it comes from a romantic partner, a friend, a family member, a beloved pet, or yourself! Forget the stereotypes and make this Valentine’s Day what you want it to be, no matter who you’re spending it with.
A version of this article was originally published in 2011.
Before you go, shop these books to help you manifest a positive year:
Leave a Comment