Goop’s known for its super niche collection of luxury products, namely the “This Smells Like My Vagina” candle that broke the internet, so it’s not entirely wild to wonder: What Goop product are you, based on your zodiac sign? Sure, we can’t buy a majority of the items without making our wallet cry, but we’ve tried to resist the temptation and we just can’t look away.
ICYMI, Gwyneth Paltrow’s the mastermind behind the high-end wellness brand, and she never ceases to keep us on our toes with her latest product drops or with a Netflix series where her team investigates some eyebrow-raising wellness topics. Let’s face it: The Goop saga is here to stay so might as well indulge!
We know we’re not the only ones posing this Goop-y shopping question to ourselves, so we did you the favor of digging through allll the outlandish products, and now we’ve got the official zodiac-inspired report to share. While some people may lean on the speciality brand for more practical things, like the best Goop product for wrinkles or best vitamins, we think this is a more fun route to explore.
All we can say is that the Goop suspense is real. The bottom line is that the brand is no stranger to all things outrageous and over-indulgent, so what would be more entertaining than dreaming up what Goop product you are based on how the stars align (especially while we’re stuck at home)?
We’ll get straight to it because we know you can’t take the anticipation for one more second. So, what Goop product are you? From custom bar carts to a vibrator, here’s what every sign — from the competitive Aries to the truth-seeking Sagittarius — should snag (in an alternate universe with endless money, of course) from Goop to match their personality to a T. And obviously, you’ll discover what lucky sign gets to claim the earth-shattering orgasm candle that made the world quake in its boots for a second time post-vagina candle and post-15K dildo. I may not be an astrologer, but these finds are pretty spot on if I do say so myself.
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Aries: Foam Roller
Aries likes to be on top, which means everything is a competition and they treat sports like it’s their job (or maybe it actually is). However, they might overwork those muscles on their quest to be the best, so you’ll find them foam rolling their back nightly to get out those kinks. This one is gentle, yet firm enough to get that deep massage an Aries desperately needs.
Taurus: Meditation Pillow Set
Taurus loves calming sounds and serene environments, but in today’s tech-driven world, it can be impossible to get some peace and quiet. With this ultra-plush meditation pillow set, this sign can finally dedicate some time to practice mindfulness at home.
Gemini: Custom Bar Cart
The Gemini loves to be the center of attention, and parties are where they thrive. While the pandemic put a stop on their extravagant parties and outings, they can still fulfill that need to show off and let loose by mixing up their own cocktails and showcasing them on this show-stopping bar cart that’s made to order.
Cancer: Oak Bathtub Caddy
Self-care is basically synonymous with Cancers. They’re all about comfort, and what’s more soothing than a relaxing bubble bath? This oak bathtub caddy will take their soaks to the next level so they can have their favorite glass of wine, candle, and laptop on hand to watch their go-to show while letting the day go.
Leo: This Smells Like My Orgasm Candle
Ah, the infamous orgasm candle, which is the sequel to Paltrow’s earth-shattering vagina candle, has Leo allll over it. This sign is all about self-indulgence, drama, and the limelight. What fits that description more than an orgasm-scented candle? Spoiler alert: The candle has notes of Turkish rose and, grapefruit, and neroli so we’re guessing it doesn’t actually smell like her orgasm.
Virgo: Lace Face Covering
Virgos often get a bad rep for being too Type A (hello, Virgo speaking from personal experience here), but there’s no harm in being the most prepared person in the room. You bet they were one of the firsts to snag chic face masks so they had one to match every outfit in their closet. But this pretty one is more than just good looking: It’s got a hidden nose wire and even a neck strap so it’s always within reach when you need to put it on in a moment’s notice.
Libra: Kin Euphorics Dream Light
Libra rules over the kidneys, so it’s best if they stay hydrated and avoid alcohol as much as possible. So, what’s this sign to do when they want to indulge in a beverage after a long day? Enter this non-alcoholic spirit, which is made with adaptogenic reishi and passion flower. It’s even got a little melatonin, so it’s the perfect bedtime ritual.
Scorpio: Romantic Vibrator
Scorpios are adventurous, love some extravagance in their lives, and crave affection, so are we really surprised that they’re a sex toy? Consider this sign the unofficial Goop mascot. The powerful motor in this vibrator is made to work with natural internal pressure points for an effortless self-love session.
Sagittarius: The Secret Language of the Universe
While Sagittarius is known as a wanderer, they don’t do it without reason. Their mission is to seek the truth, and they do that by traveling, talking to others, or digging into a book like this one that explores the phenomenon of signs. With a title like “The Secret Language of the Universe,” we can’t think of something that screams their name more than this New York Times bestselling book.
Capricorn: Motif Dangle Necklace
Capricorns fancy the, well, fancy things in life. Jewelry, cars, art — you name it, they’re not afraid to invest in expensive things. They’ll love this elevated take on the charm bracelet we all wore as kids. 18-karat yellow gold paired with black rhodium for some edge offers that one-of-a-kind look that’ll catch their eye.
Aquarius: Travel Adapter
The free-spirited and unpredictable Aquarius has the permanent travel bug, so they need this life-saving travel adapter. The five plugs work in over 150 countries, and the color-coded map even helps you make sure you have the right one for your destination. Would you look at that, the price isn’t terrifying either.
Pisces: One-Piece Swimsuit
Pisces is a water sign, so it’s no shocker that you’ll find them in the water. That means this sign has an impressive swimsuit collection, and Goop has quite a few they should add to their rotation. This chic belted one-piece is giving us major retro-meets-modern vibes.
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