Recovering from a major surgery is no joke, which is why people often rely on help from friends, family, or loved ones as they rest and recuperate. But promises to help someone out in their time of need shouldn’t be made lightly. Take it from this poor Redditor, who is struggling to stay afloat and confront their family after they seriously let them down with post-surgery care.
Writing in the /Relationships Subreddit, user @Dear_Bit_8842 gave this context: They (29) recently had surgery to remove a tumor, and they’ll need even more surgeries in the near future. They’d put off this surgery for quite some time because they have two children and can’t rely on their family for assistance.
My (29) family *offered* me help after surgery and dropped the ball. How can I move past this?
byu/Dear_Bit_8842 inrelationships
“I do have a partner, but he works full time as well and doesn’t get a lot of time off — he gets off after [the kids] need to get to school and will still be at work when it’s time to pick them up. This usually works perfectly for us because I work long hours, less days,” they explained. But based on their post-surgery needs, recovery “will be next to impossible” with a toddler around.
Recently, the Original Poster and their dad had a heart-to-heart where he wholeheartedly encouraged them to have the surgery.
“Every time I spoke to him, he asked about it. Same with everyone in my family,” OP recalled. “They urged and urged with all of these promises to ‘help,’ even with plans to make sure we had food after surgery — again, something they offered THIS morning and afternoon.”
Despite these promises, OP’s journey leading up to surgery was “extremely stressful.” In fact, some of their pain management meds came up short. But OP only really needed help the day of and the day after surgery, so they decided to stick to the plan.
“I kept clarifying [with my family] and asking that they’ll be able to help me. Everyone was absolutely sure they could. I stuck to the plan we had and made sure,” they said.
OP went into surgery today, and due to complications, the tumor removal took longer than expected. That was when problems began to arise.
OP’s family seriously dropped the ball with post-surgery help.
During the procedure, OP’s sister asked if they wanted her to go pick up their oldest son. They said yes. They also asked their family to prepare to grab their other child, too.
Lo and behold, their family left them on read — and poor OP and their partner were left “scrambling” to arrange pick-ups. Later, it came out that their sister didn’t go get their son because she “[couldn’t] miss the gym.” Selfish much?
“My parents never reached out before I went in and didn’t respond to my messages when I let them know I was out,” they said. “When my mom did call, she wanted to know what they gave me for pain.”
“My best friend never once text, asked how I was feeling going into this procedure, OR reached out to check on me afterwards,” they added. “I actually still haven’t heard from her.”
Their family’s lack of care caused OP to ‘break down crying.’
After leaving the hospital, OP did hear from their mother-in-law. They “broke down crying” on the phone after she genuinely offered them help.
“She offered to send my FIL to get my kids even though they stay an hour away and SHE just had surgery,” they recalled. “She even said that she’d have my FIL will get them to school for us for the rest of the week on his way to work (he agreed), but I can’t even take her up on the offer. But I appreciate it, because I know she was genuine.”
“I know people will say no one is obligated to help with someone else’s kids, and sure. But we do in my family, or at least I thought we did,” OP added. “I had backups for my backups, and it all fell through.
At the time of writing, they were trying (and failing) to rest at home with their toddler while their partner attended a mandatory work meeting.
“I want to move past this, but my first thought is a nuclear ‘don’t contact me,'” they wrote. “I could use some assistance in communicating all of this without coming off accusatory or on the offense. I really can’t tell if I am overreacting to this because I’ve already had some issues recently. Is the heightened emotions coming from the anesthesia, or [is this] really fucked up?”
Now, OP has no idea how to address their anger and disappointment.
Needless to say, Redditors in the comments had thoughts. OP’s anger and frustration are absolutely justified here: Their family made promises they didn’t keep, and in doing so, they left them and their children hanging.
This rage OP is feeling is likely a sign that they need to set better boundaries. Research shows that feeling your feelings and communicating your needs in a calm, healthy way promotes better relationships. Going no contact is just one example of boundary-setting — but in this scenario, some Redditors believe it’s the right choice.
“Jeez, sounds like a nightmare! I’m sorry your parents did that to you,” one commenter wrote. “No contact is definitely deserved.”
“If there was ever a situation to go nuclear, this is it. They put you and your kids in a dangerous situation,” someone else opined. “I’m old, and if I ever did this to my kids (MIA to contact) or sibling (‘can’t miss the gym’ — wow, how self-absorbed and uncaring), I would expect to be annihilated and not talked to by them.”
Given OP’s mother’s strange line of questioning about pain medication, some folks also wondered if she stole their meds, which would explain the short supply.
OP confirmed that this was the case…even after their mom assured them that the pills would stay “untouched.”
“I wish I could send you a hug,” another Redditor wrote. “I am so, so sorry they let you down! You are not overreacting! You may even be under-reacting.”
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