For some parents, breastfeeding is an easy, enjoyable way of bonding with their newborn child. For others, it can be a painful struggle. Often, breastfeeding challenges prompt new parents to formula-feed their child, which is a totally valid choice. No parent should be shamed for keeping their child fed and healthy.
Alas, using formula instead of breastfeeding is still stigmatized in some parenting circles, which can be yet another source of stress for breastfeeding parents. Take it from this Redditor, whose “pro-breastfeeding” in-laws are upset that she gave her pregnant sister-in-law her honest thoughts about breastfeeding.
User @Rough-Ad-9762 turned to the infamous /AmITheAsshole Subreddit for some unbiased opinions on the whole kerfuffle. For context, she is a mother of three children and currently expecting her fourth. She only breastfed her oldest son, and she came to that decision because of “pressure” from her in-laws.
“My husband’s family are all staunchly pro-breastfeeding, to the point where those who don’t breastfeed or can’t can feel a little judged and uncomfortable around them,” the Original Poster explained. “It’s something they are always very open about and will bring up to any expectant mother they know, sometimes even ones they don’t know. It’s normally in the unsolicited advice category but sometimes can be intrusive.”
AITA for being very honest about why I chose to only breastfeed one of my children when my younger SIL asked?
byu/Rough-Ad-9762 inAmItheAsshole
“I was 26 when I had [my oldest son] and really hadn’t decided [on breastfeeding],” she continued. “But between my husband’s family members assuming and not listening when he told them it wasn’t a sure thing, and a nurse in the hospital I delivered at telling me I wouldn’t need a bottle or anything else because I would be breastfeeding as it was their policy, I felt a lot of pressure to do it.” Yikes.
OP quickly learned she did not like breastfeeding, hence why she has opted to formula-feed her younger kids and the child she’s expecting.
“Overall, I felt like a walking cow,” she recalled. “There [were] no nice bonding moments when I was breastfeeding. … My husband told me it was okay to switch to formula if I wanted, but I heard so many negatives about formula I feared being judged harshly. I even tried pumping, but it was too uncomfortable for not enough reward.”
Luckily, OP’s husband is “a pro at telling his family to mind their own business,” so she hasn’t received any unsolicited advice from them regarding her choice to use formula.
And frankly, she shouldn’t! There is absolutely nothing wrong with using formula. At the end of the day, the decision to breastfeed or not belongs to a breastfeeding parent, not their in-laws.
Recently, OP’s 23-year-old SIL asked to hear her honest thoughts on breastfeeding.
Enter OP’s 23-year-old SIL, who is pregnant with her first child. Recently, she asked OP to share her honest thoughts on breastfeeding. Her SIL wanted an opinion outside the family echo chamber, and understandably so.
“She came to me and asked about my decision not to breastfeed my girls and said she didn’t have anyone else to turn to about it because her family were telling her she was breastfeeding. But she wasn’t sure about it for her (SIL had some mental health trouble over the years, and her breasts were a source of discomfort for her and have some issues today),” OP explained.
“I told her my decision was made because I hated breastfeeding when I had my first, how miserable I was, and how it just was not good for my mental health,” she continued. “I told her that I never got the amazing moments of bonding that so many talk about. … She was nodding along, and I reassured her that she does not need to do it if she’s not comfortable, and her mental health is more important.”
It should go without saying, but just in case: OP is completely correct. In fact, one 2020 report from the journal Frontiers in Global Women’s Health recommended that the decision to breastfeed be made on an “individualized” basis with the breastfeeding parent’s mental health in mind.
OP’s in-laws think she’s a ‘shitty person’ for being candid with her SIL — but Redditors wholeheartedly disagree.
Unfortunately, OP’s in-laws don’t see it that way.
“My MIL and three other SILs are all extremely unhappy with me for my honesty with her, and they told me I should not discourage a [first-time mom] from breastfeeding. I told them they shouldn’t tell people what to do,” she explained. “… They told me I was a shitty person and not thinking of the best thing for the baby. AITA?”
AITA Redditors were quick to defend OP — and call out her in-laws.
“Let me get this straight. You were asked for advice, gave advice based on your own experience but left it broad enough for this person to make an informed decision, and they’re calling you an AH?” one commenter wrote. “Nope, NTA.”
“So, to be clear, your in-laws expect and want your SIL to knowingly and intentionally risk her mental health for a baby who will be negatively impacted by their mom’s mental health, all in the name of doing what’s best for baby? Why are these women so obsessed, and why do they feel so entitled to tell everyone what’s best for mom and baby?” someone else wrote.
“I think it’s super weird how fixated they are on breastfeeding. I know people can have very strong opinions, but damn,” another commenter opined. “You gave wonderful advice without pushing one way over another.”
Many commenters also affirmed that fed a baby is best.
“As long as the baby is fed, it doesn’t matter if it was by formula or breast milk. I chose to breastfeed, but I always strongly encourage new mothers to explore all options and not feel guilty about it,” someone else wrote.
“I’m sorry you felt pressued to breastfeed your first kid,” another Redditor said. “You are not a shitty person, and your SIL is lucky to have you.”
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