Many people go through dry spells in their relationships, where sex and physical intimacy are happening less frequently. It’s normal, and it happens for a number of reasons — maybe you’re both busy, or stressed, or dealing with health issues that impact your libido. But when a dry spell doesn’t seem to end, and it’s impacting you and your partner’s relationship and mental health, it can feel impossible to solve — as is the case for one woman on Reddit, who is contemplating resorting to drastic measures.
The woman (aka OP, or original poster in Reddit slang) and her husband are both in their late 30s with a young daughter. Early in their relationship, OP writes, “sex was frequent and adventurous.” She wasn’t sexually experienced prior to their relationship, so it “pretty much defined” who she is today, sexually. “I always loved exploring my sexuality with him,” she says.
Sounds fun, sounds good, but recently, their sex life has taken a turn. OP no longer feels like her physical needs are being met, and she’s wondering if it’s OK to explore options outside of their marriage… without telling her husband. AKA cheating. She took to Reddit’s Am I the Asshole? (AITA) forum to solicit opinions and advice, and boy, did Reddit have some. Read the full story ahead, complete with Reddit’s harsh-but-fair verdict.
A Change in Their Sex Life
OP says she and her husband had a healthy sex life up until seven or eight years ago. At that time, “sex started to go from once or twice a week to maybe once a month, sometimes even less.” OP says she “never pushed for sex,” but did try to initiate sometimes “with kisses and caresses.” The majority of the time, “he simply pushes me away or responds in an angry mood.”
OP Wants Answers
OP has entertained a number of reasons for the lack of sex. Over the years, she writes, “I asked him if he didn’t find me attractive, or if he didn’t love me anymore,” but her husband always told her he did find her attractive and “of course” still loved her.
Was it the weight gain OP experienced after being pregnant with their daughter four years ago? Or the fact that the baby “ruled our lives” after she was born? No — “the reality is that the problem started before the pregnancy and is still there today,” OP says. She suggested her husband speak to a psychologist or a doctor, but he became upset at the suggestion.
OP says she’s “made it clear many times how his constant rejection of me and the shaming for wanting sex, impacts my feelings. In those moments he shows that he cares, gives me an excuse about his work, his health, his stress, his tiredness and says he will work on it.”
“Crushed Inside”
The lack of physical intimacy is taking its toll. “I feel crushed inside,” OP writes. “I have no self esteem, no confidence, I am battling depression now because of this… I am in constant emotional pain and anxiety when I sleep next to him knowing that I can’t have the man I love and that I have chosen for my life.”
OP says she’s unable to leave the marriage due to financial reasons, because she wants her daughter to be with her father, and because she still loves her husband — but the issue is becoming unbearable.
“I Desperately Need to Be Desired”
OP considers herself an attractive woman, “enough to get attention from men in general, especially at work.” As the lack of sex in her marriage continues, she’s been considering acting on that attention.
“I feel that I desperately need to be desired by a man who then f…s my brains out, at least once. At least one time because I don’t feel like a woman anymore,” she says. “I deserve to feel that I am desired and wanted by someone but I don’t want to leave my husband because I truly love him.”
It’s gotten to the point that OP has her potential affair partner lined up. “I get constant advances from one person that I am good friends with and that I know would keep it a secret. I have not reacted to any of that but I am tempted to.” OP’s question is: do those thoughts and temptations make her the asshole in this situation?
What Does Reddit Think?
It’s no surprise that Reddit had a lot to say about this one, with the post racking up over 4.2K comments in two days. And while the comments varied, the majority fell in the camp of sympathizing with OP’s plight, but telling her that cheating is never the answer.
The top commenter, with over 6K upvotes, kept it simple: “Maybe he’s got a hormone problem. Regardless, please don’t cheat. It’s a bell you will never be able to unring.”
Other commenters also speculated on the cause of the husband’s low libido, noting that it may be a health issue. According to Cleveland Clinic, low libido in men can be caused by a number of medical issues, including hormonal imbalances, mental health conditions, and certain medications, such as antidepressants and blood pressure medications. “I would tell him that he needs to discuss his issue with a doctor, actually work on the issue at home or the relationship might be over,” one commenter wrote. “Tell him exactly how this is impacting you and that you want to have everything with him, but you can’t live untouched forever.”
Another commenter could empathize with OP. “The want to simply be desired is huge and years of sexual rejection does destroy self-esteem,” they said, having dealt with a similar situation in their own relationship and worked towards a solution through “communication and a lot of acceptance.” They continued, “Don’t cheat, OP. Please don’t…Try a therapist, try communicating, try asking questions.”
Other Redditors agreed that an ultra-honest conversation was needed here. “Please tell your husband the latter part of this post… Particularly the part about your self identity, the impact it’s having on you,” one commenter wrote. “Intimacy and sexual desire is an integral part of a relationship. Not having these needs fulfilled is absolutely grounds to have a frank conversation about the parameters of your relationship… If your husband is not willing to engage with you or make some changes so you feel fulfilled in your relationship it is at that point that I’d consider ending it.”
That was the core of it, many commenters agreed: that sex is a major part of a relationship for many people, but that if OP truly cares about her husband and saving their marriage, cheating is not the way to go. Instead, honesty, communication, and some serious work was needed on both sides.
“It’s absolutely reasonable to consider sex to be an important part of a relationship,” one commenter stated. “If you need it more than is happening and it’s damaging to you, then it should be important to your husband too. Because what hurts one, hurts the relationship.” They said that if OP can’t get what she needs and her husband isn’t willing to help or address the issue, “the relationship is dead” — but, that said, solutions were still possible. “Talk to your husband and tell him that the current situation isn’t working for you and it has to change. If you can’t manage that together without help, then get help. If you want to be free to explore with someone else, then discuss that too. Just going out and doing it secretly isn’t the answer here.”
Just like most relationship problems, this one comes down to frank communication and vulnerability — both of which can be hard to come by when the subject is so sensitive. But if both partners are committed to the relationship, those conversations (awkward and uncomfortable though they may be) are worth the effort.
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