It’s no secret that the decision to have kids or not is a major one in romantic relationships. So major, in fact, that your preference on children is a profile option on many dating apps, so you can filter out people who aren’t compatible with your needs.
Of course, it’s possible to change your mind about this important topic, too. You might be sure you don’t want kids at age 29, but by 35, you’re starting to see the other side of things — or vice versa. When that happens, communication is obviously essential, as well as hearing your partner out and understanding any other factors that might be at play, like health or fertility. And that’s where one couple on Reddit’s Am I the Asshole forum is running into some issues.
While the couple originally agreed they wanted to get married and have kids soon after they started dating, the boyfriend changed his tune a few years ago. Now the two have been together for six years, and his girlfriend — aka our OP, which is Reddit-speak for original poster, or the person who wrote the post — may need a hysterectomy due to health issues. And her boyfriend isn’t so sure he wants to stick around if that happens.
Yeah, we’re cringing just thinking about it too. Keep reading for the full story and to find out what Reddit had to say.
A Change of Mind
OP and her boyfriend, both 35, have been together “going on six years,” she writes. Originally her boyfriend said he wanted to get married and have kids together ASAP. “Then…suddenly…a few years ago he decided marriage and kids aren’t for him ‘anytime soon,’” she says. “He assured me he only wants me, he just needed time.”
Health Concerns
Recently, OP has run into “some serious health problems,” which may require a hysterectomy (surgical removal of the uterus). She’s already made it clear to her doctor that she wants a uterine-sparing procedure if possible. “I want kids,” she writes. “None of this is my fault and it is completely unexpected. I’m devastated. We are awaiting results to determine my surgical options.”
“I Feel So Hurt”
In the midst of this shock and pain, OP’s boyfriend “decided to be too honest,” admitting he would leave her if she needs the hysterectomy. “He says, ‘Am I not allowed to have kids?? How is that fair to expect me to be okay with never having kids???'”
OP is crushed. “I feel so hurt,” she writes. “He says it like I’m being selfish for thinking he should stay with me.” Plus, she points out, “he could have married me and had kids with me years ago before these unforeseen health issues existed.”
OP Thinks *She* Is the A-Hole?
OP is done, understandably, and is ready to leave her boyfriend. But after a six-year relationship, she’s having some fears over whether this is the right choice. She wants to know if she’s in the wrong for leaving her boyfriend over these comments, regardless of whether she gets a hysterectomy or not. “I feel like he’s been dragging me along and [is] OK with ditching me now that I’m older and not of use to him anymore.” … Which is an awful thing for your partner to do to you at any time, let alone after six years together.
Reddit’s Take
Overwhelmingly, Reddit’s response is that OP is definitely not in the wrong here. “This seems like a situation where the trash is taking itself out,” one commenter wrote, matter-of-factly. “His love is conditional, and he’s untrustworthy… Definitely not the person you want around when things get tough, and parenting is always tough.” As difficult as the situation is, the commenter concluded that getting out of the relationship “will prove to be a blessing for you.”
The top-upvoted comment agreed, urging OP to “get rid of this joke of a boy you’re wasting your life on… He doesn’t seem to have any intent to marry you and if he did, ‘in sickness or in health’ would mean nothing to him.”
Other Redditors thought he might be using the procedure as an excuse to leave the relationship. “He doesn’t want to have a family with you, he never did,” one person wrote. “Now he has a reason to make all of that your fault so that when he eventually leaves he won’t be the bad guy. The fact that he’s making your medical issues all about him is proof of this. Leave him, you deserve better than to be his place holder.”
Indeed, it seems like OP’s boyfriend is following the pattern of men leaving their partner when they experience health issues, which has been scientifically documented. “[L]ots of men hightail it when their partners get sick. You just learnt that your ‘man’ is one of those men,” one commenter said. “He cares more about hypothetical children… than he does about a very real and serious health issue you’re facing.”
In case it needed saying, we’re with Reddit on this one. OP deserves much more than a man whose biggest concern, in the face of her health problems, are how they inconvenience him.
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