Deciding to open up your marriage is a major choice — and a scary one. Yes, you’re opening the door to new experiences, feelings, and lots of fun, but tough emotions like jealousy, fear, and insecurity can come through that door right along with them. That’s why many people in open relationships decide to set some ground rules before they jump into the dating scene, which can range from no sleepovers and no dating exes to no falling in love with a new partner. It’s worth noting, though, that all rules can be broken and that needs can change throughout the course of any relationship, open or closed, which means those rules might fluctuate too.
Reddit is full of posts from people in open relationships asking for advice, wondering what to do about jealous partners, struggling with insecurity, or running into issues around open relationship rules — all valid experiences over the course of an open relationship. One thing that’s always interesting to observe is how the partner who originally pushed for an open relationship reacts when their more reluctant partner starts to get into the dating scene. In one recent post and its subsequent update, a couple was struggling with just that.
In the post, the husband (aka our original poster or OP) was pushed to try an open relationship by his wife, Sarah, who’s now struggling with her reaction to his new partner. Sarah wants to change the rules of their open marriage as a result, and it’s causing friction, to the point that OP is taking drastic action — and Reddit, apparently, approves. Keep reading for the full story.
Forced Into an Open Marriage
OP and Sarah opened up their marriage two and a half years ago. Sarah was the instigator, asking OP for an open marriage while strongly implying that he didn’t have a choice if he wanted to stay married. OP agreed, but reluctantly, saying he primarily said yes because they have kids, he worked long hours, and he didn’t want a divorce.
OP stipulated a few ground rules before they started dating, which included not talking about outside relationships with each other.
OP Focuses on Other Goals…
For the first two years of the arrangement, OP didn’t actually date, instead focusing on his job and devoting the free time he did have to their kids. Meanwhile, he decided to sleep in a separate bedroom from his wife, feeling uncomfortable with the prospect of sleeping next to her after she’d just had sex with someone else. As a result, “our relationship became purely transactional,” he said, as they raised kids together but weren’t really partners otherwise.
… Then Finally Starts Dating
OP met his financial goals this past summer and cut back on his work hours. With the newfound free time, he finally started venturing into the dating scene. He said he wanted to at least be friendly anyone he was interested in and envisioned going on dates with women and getting to know them versus just having sex with no feelings. After going out with a few women, OP clicked with Jane, both socially and on a sexual level, and they started seeing each other regularly.
Sarah Wants to Change the Rules
Suddenly, OP’s wife, Sarah, started violating some boundaries. She wanted to talk about OP’s dates, and when he said no, he caught her snooping through his phone. Now, Sarah wants to update the terms of their open marriage, wanting them to start seeing a couples’ therapist, sleeping in the same room, and going on dates with each other again, OP writes. In addition, their other relationships “are to be strictly sexual and nothing else,” and they have to talk about their sexual partners with each other.
OP wasn’t interested, especially not when it comes to sharing details about his dates with Sarah. “I told her that I am content with the situation as it is, and I don’t mind if she finds a partner to go out with,” he writes. “I encouraged her to.” Sarah wouldn’t compromise, leaving OP torn between fixing their marriage or handing her divorce papers.
OP Opts for Divorce
In an update to his original post, OP told Redditors that he and Sarah went to two sessions with a couples’ counselor, but they were unproductive. His wife refused to compromise on her demands, which included keeping the open relationship only about sex with other partners; not finding her own job; and buying a new house. OP’s final straw came in their most recent counseling session, after which he spoke with a lawyer and started divorce proceedings.
Reddit Responds
It’s definitely a major step for OP, but it sounds like divorce has been on his mind for a while, and Reddit supported that option from the start.
“You two didn’t open your marriage. You ended your marriage 2.5 years ago to become roommates and co-parents,” one commenter wrote on the first post. With Jane, they said, OP found something more than just a sex partner: a true relationship, something that must “scare the hell” out of OP’s wife.
Another commenter called OP’s wife a “hypocrite” and observed that OP was “emotionally numbed out.” They added that opening up the marriage instead of actually working on it was a “terrible” idea. (It also happens to be a pretty common mistake.) “Marriages get stale from time to time,” they explained, but instead of turning towards OP in that moment, Sarah started looking for new partners. The marriage is now more like a business arrangement, the commenter observed, asking, “So what’s the point? Pretty sure you know the answer.”
Looks like OP did. On his update post, Redditors remained supportive of his decision to divorce. “This is the best route,” one person confirmed. “She was fine stepping out, but when you were able, now it’s a problem.” OP’s wife seemingly “wanted to have the best of both worlds” while not compromising on any of her demands, they added.
Another commenter noted that OP already seems checked out of the relationship, which should work in his favor. “You have already reached a level of indifference with her that will help you move forward,” they said, adding that divorcing will allow OP to “be an even better parent / co-parent once you have separated yourself even more from her day to day demands.”
It’s another good reminder from Reddit that opening up a relationship won’t help to solve issues that are already there — the same way that having kids won’t strengthen a bond, and getting married won’t necessarily make a partner more committed if they aren’t already. If anything, opening up a marriage with issues this deep will only highlight those issues. Instead of looking externally for solutions — as one commenter pointed out — that’s the time to look to each other and start truly communicating and establishing trust and honesty.
In this case, it seems like the marriage is beyond saving, not least because OP has already given up (one sign that a marriage is heading for divorce, experts told SheKnows previously). When you can’t live honestly and authentically in a relationship, the relationship has likely run its course. Best of luck to OP in finding peace in his life (and relationships) once again!
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