Open relationships really can and do work — we’ve talked to women who’ve been in them and loved it! — but you wouldn’t know it from the amount of stories on the Internet (and especially Reddit) where opening a relationship or a marriage leads to the end of a couple. We hesitate to blame that all on the polyamorous aspect of it; some of these relationships maybe just aren’t built to last, and seeing other people helped them realize it. Other times, the partner(s) were opening up their relationship for the wrong reasons or using it as an avoidance technique instead of addressing their deeper issues.
Whatever the reason for open relationships failing, again, we promise they really do work and can be a beautiful, horizon-broadening experience for all involved … That said, the latest partner to share their open relationship experience on Reddit looks like he’s falling into the camp of the relationship not working out. And while the husband, our OP (aka original poster, or the author of the post) seems, honestly, more or less fine with getting a divorce, he’s concerned enough about his wife’s upset reaction to share their story on Reddit’s Am I the Asshole? forum. OP’s wondering if he’s made a mistake, and Reddit was all too happy to weigh in. Keep reading for the full story.
Insisting on an Open Relationship
Last year, OP’s wife of four years asked him if he’d be interested in opening up their marriage. The request came out of nowhere for OP, who said their relationship was going well and they were planning to start a family together. OP told his wife that he wanted to stay monogamous but says his wife “insisted,” and finally, OP decided to give it a try.
Setting Boundaries
OP says his wife set a few boundaries for their open marriage: keeping the spouse as the primary priority; using protection; not bringing partners to their house; not forming “overly emotional connections.”
OP was honest, telling his wife he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to stick to that last boundary because he’s an “emotional person.” His wife didn’t appear worried. “She said it’s okay, I will be able to do it and it’s hard for men to form emotional relationships in such cases anyways.”
Finding Other Partners
OP’s wife found a new partner “quickly and easily,” but that wasn’t the case for OP himself. His relationship with his wife was the first and only he’d ever had and his confidence wasn’t the best. When he finally invested some time into it, though, he was surprised to get a lot of interest. He started going out with one woman and when he told his wife, “she seemed surprised but congratulated me,” appearing “shocked” at how beautiful the other woman was.
Building One Connection, Losing Another
Fast forward 10 months and OP has in fact formed an emotional connection with this other woman. At the same time, OP says he’s lost his emotional and physical connection with his wife.
OP shared the situation with his wife last week. She suggested closing the relationship and going to couples’ counseling, but OP isn’t interested. “She feels no different than a friend for me and I am afraid I built resentment for her due to the open relationship situation,” OP says. He told her that staying together and trying to recommit to their relationship would “extend the misery for me,” and said he wanted a divorce. In response, he says his wife “flipped” and started crying, accusing OP of “throwing everything away just for a fling.”
What Does Reddit Think?
Now OP is asking Reddit if he might be the asshole here. Reddit’s response? Absolutely not — which makes sense, given this site’s generally poor opinion on open relationships. Filtering out the baseless accusations of cheating and gloating over OP’s wife getting what was coming to her (do better, Reddit!), commenters agreed that OP was in no way in the wrong here.
One commenter dubbed this “a story as old as time,” where the spouse who pushes for the open relationship ends up being the one who regrets it when they see how popular their partner is. “She dug her own grave here,” they concluded, with another commenter agreeing that the open relatinship “backfired.”
Another person pointed out that OP’s wife knowingly took a major risk to open up their marriage, and OP did his part by being honest about his “emotional connection personality.” They concluded, “She is facing the consequences of her actions.” A fellow Redditor advised OP to get the divorce ASAP. “Why prolong the inevitable?”
Our favorite comment framed it succinctly: “You’re monogamous,” they told OP. He’s only able to be emotionally or romantically interested in one person at a time, they said, and in opening the marriage, OP’s wife made it possible for him to form that attachment with someone else and thereby diminish their own connection. “You haven’t done anything wrong,” they said. “She shouldn’t have forced the open relationship when you told her you wanted to stay monogamous. She has brought it upon herself.”
We think this is the best take of the bunch. While there’s nothing wrong with starting an open relationship if that’s what OP’s wife genuinely wanted, and while her desire to do so doesn’t necessarily mean she was already cheating (despite Reddit constantly being convinced otherwise!), the truth is that OP himself appears to be monogamous through and through. A fully monogamous person is just not likely to thrive in a non-monogamous relationship, no matter how many boundaries are put in place. That’s why it’s so important that an open relationship is started with both partners equally invested — unlike in this case, where OP’s wife simply wouldn’t take no for an answer.
At the end of the day, if OP’s wife truly wants to be non-monogamous and OP does not, they might just be incompatible. That’s a harsh truth to face and may not alleviate the pain that OP’s wife, at least, is clearly feeling, but it means that leaving this relationship (which we think is the right choice here) frees them both to find a partner that they’re more compatible with.
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