9 Things to do instead of shopping on Black Friday

Black Friday — which is rapidly turning into Black Thursday Afternoon — is almost here. Shoppers, start your credit cards and get thee to the discount store to score some cheap off-brand electronics. As for those of us who find holiday shopping as exciting as having our fingernails removed with tweezers, it’s the perfect excuse to stay as far away from the mall as humanly possible.

No worries — we’ve got you covered. We’ve put together a list of 9 things to do on Black Friday instead of shopping. We’ll see you on Cyber Monday, when the sane people shop online in their underpants.

Once the turkey is digested and the dishes dried, you are officially free to deck the halls with boughs of whatever puts the jingle in your bells. Ho, ho, hold the tinsel. Then, fling it strategically. You’ve got a full day to get your Griswold on — so no excuses.

1. First, sleep in — you’ve earned it. You survived another “fun-filled” family event. Your reward? A big cuppa java and a slab of leftover pumpkin pie buried under a mountain of full-fat whipped cream, for the win.
2. With breakfast covered, it’s time to drag the Christmas decorations out of the attic. Take the opportunity to peruse the scene. That box of clothes you saved because you just might fit into them again? The bin full of hideous knickknacks you shoved in the corner five years ago? Let it go, let it go. You’ll feel so much lighter — it will be almost as good as losing the weight. Almost.
3. After dragging and decluttering, take a little “me time.” Stop asking Photoshop to tend to your personal grooming. Soak! Scrape! Clip! Paint! Wax! Pluck! Exfoliate! Just do it — you’ll look and feel so much better.
4. Lunchtime! Overwhelmed by the dizzying array of leftovers? Feeling guilty about abandoning your diet? Grab your juicer, stuff it all in there, drown it in gravy and whip up a hearty glass of Thanksgiving. Brown juice is the new green juice. No, seriously. Shut up, arteries — nobody likes kale.
5. You can’t decorate until you clean the scene. Sure, cobwebs are festive with a little glitter spray, but the rest needs to go. Strap some Swiffer pads around your slippers, slip on some dusting mitts, crank up the Christmas tunes and bust a move.
6. You exercised! Go you! Time for that second slice of leftover pie. Don’t forget the whipped cream — your thighs will thank you later.
7. So many activities! So much pie! The day is still young, so don’t stop now. Get a head start on your holiday cards. Dig up the box you bought last year and never mailed. Stamp ‘em, stack ‘em and send ‘em on their way.
8. You’ve put it off as long as possible, but it’s time to put the lights on the tree. It’s a string of lights followed by a string of juicy expletives on repeat until you reach the final branch. Whee. Complete this frustrating task and you get a mug full of eggnog, hold the egg.
9. Now comes the fun part: adding the decorations. Pile ‘em on! The more the merrier. It’s Christmas, that magical time of the year when tacky is tasteful and glitter is a condiment. Self-restraint should be avoided at all costs. When in doubt, add more sparkle. Bedazzle every inch of the house with gleeful abandon.

Congratulations! No elbows in the rib cage, no fighting over bargain bin blowouts and no baby-buggy-battered shins. You are the Holiday Master and those other suckers are missing out on all of the fun. Pour yourself another mug of nog, dish up that last slice of pie, plug in the tree and exhale. Cheers, darling, Happy Holidaze.