Sometimes it feels as though America is a country divided. We can’t agree on politics, on how to say “pecan” or how to make proper guacamole. But there is one thing that people from every walk of life, at every age and of every gender can agree on: Cable companies and internet providers are the absolute worst. Consistently ranked at the top of “most hated companies” lists and gobbling one another up to form a monopoly of gigantic corporations locked in a battle to death to provide the worst customer experience ever, we all seem to collectively hate cable companies.
Don’t believe us? See for yourself: Play a little word association game with your friends. Shout out “Comcast!” or “Time Warner Cable!” and see how long it takes before someone shouts a string of profanity back at you. Or just turn to Twitter, because that’s where all the real gems are. Take a look!
Solid strategy
Ah, the ridiculous hold times. When you have a problem (and you will have a problem), you’d better get comfortable.
It’s gonna be a while…
A really, really long while. So long as you can think up clever absurdist literature jokes.
So. Awkward.
When you do get through, you’ll be so shocked that you might forget how to talk. Or where you are. Or what year it is.
Your call is very important to us
It’s hard not to feel like the people on the other end of the line have anything but complete disdain for you.
Seriously?
That might be because the questions they ask in order to “help” you range from the absurd to the insulting.
Playing hard to get
You probably have a better chance of this pickup line working than getting your problem solved.
So bleak
Because John from Comcast just wants to watch the world burn (or at least get you so pissed that smoke comes out of your ears).
Yeah, but you could claw your way out of one
Practically anything seems more appealing than spending one more minute on the phone with a cable company rep.
That’s probably best
Then the real fun starts: the service window.
Due to high call volume…
Hopefully, you don’t have anything planned for the rest of your life.
Stellar customer service
Fortunately, most of the techs will be nice enough to ignore your slovenly hovel once inside, or at least silently judge you.
King of the trolls
And your shoddy cable package and spotty internet speed won’t be the only thing that goes out. By design, perhaps? We smell a conspiracy.
Decisions, decisions
You could always threaten to leave, but then you’ll remember what your options are and just get really sad again.
The horror!
If this is true, Satan is even more of a dick than we originally thought.
Noooo
Of course, you can always do the ultimate spiteful rage quit and just cut the cord, but don’t underestimate the far-reaching tentacles of misery and frustration that the cable companies have in store for you. There is no escape. None.
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