Virtual sex can be a great way to add dimension and excitement to any relationship, but most of us can’t get past the idea of circa ’90s chat room cyber sex (What r u wearing?) and breathy phone sex operators.
Times have changed, though, and virtual sex has come a long way in the last few years.
Confession: I have, in fact, partaken of virtual sex. When my husband and I first got married, he was a sailor on the most seafaring submarine in the U.S. Naval fleet. Our first year of marriage alone, we were apart for nearly 300 days — that’s a whole lot of late-night phone calls.
I never felt awkward or self-conscious in the moment, and the truth is that virtual sex helped me and my husband continue to grow in our intimacy even during a very tough (and barren) year that saw us essentially living in two entirely different worlds.
Still, I admit that now that I’m a bit older and so much time has passed since those, ahem, virtual encounters, I would feel very unsure of myself today should my husband and I find ourselves across the country from each other, breathing heavily into our cellphones.
I reached out to Jamye Waxman — sex educator, media consultant, author and CGO (Chief Gasm Officer, natch) of gasm — to get some sexpert insight on how to have better virtual sex.
1. Be smartly discreet and eliminate incriminating evidence
“There is an app that allows you to see a text, pic, whatever and then delete it — it’s called Snapchat. Have you heard of it?” Waxman said.
2. Invest in new tech
“There’s a new sex toy by OhMiBod that’s trying to help people have better virtual sex,” Waxman explained. “It’s called blueMotion.”
What is it, you ask?
Well, it’s a naughty little massager that utilizes Bluetooth technology to deliver pleasure. Once connected to your smartphone, the device sends “vibration patterns” from your partner’s voice or even from your favorite beats to the massager for a unique virtual sex experience.
3. Old-fashioned phone sex doesn’t have to be raunchy
“What I think people are doing wrong is that they’re trying to be all porny,” said Waxman. “But phone sex, which can both be foreplay or actual sex, depending on how far you take it, doesn’t have to be about using dirty words as much as it has to do with authenticity, being descriptive and being in the moment.”
At the risk of making myself blush, what — I ask — would be an example of something that doesn’t sound “porny”?
“If you want to say that you’re touching yourself in porn lingo, you might say, ‘I’m touching my c*** for you,'” she elaborated. “But in authentic language you might say something like, ‘Hearing your voice makes me want to unzip my pants and relax.’ Or something like that… “
4. Is phone sex just extended foreplay?
Not necessarily, says Waxman.
“I think it’s a really long foreplay sesh if you’re planning on finishing off later, or another day, and it’s actually a sub for sex if it gets into the ‘I’m going to make you come’ arena.”
Still, I can’t imagine myself not sounding completely awkward these days trying to virtually arouse my husband. And that may be the problem — I’m overthinking it.
“Phone sex is really most interesting if you can let your brain go there and not think about what you’re doing or saying, but doing and saying it in the moment because it’s what you want to do or say,” said Waxman.
5. Don’t over think it, and don’t feel bad if it’s not your thing
“It’s not a thing everyone will like. For some people it feels forced and fake, and some of us really need to be with someone else — to touch the other person’s body to be able to lose control,” she assured me. “But phone sex is a great way to build trust… trust that you can go to places that are really intimate without having to have the lights off and moan.”
When it comes to phone sex, you can’t phone it in. To truly enjoy it and not feel like some cheesy chick from a post-midnight-1-900 number, you have to let yourself get lost in the moment.
“I really think to keep it sexy you have to be authentic and you have to listen and respond authentically,” Waxman shared, “and if you can’t free your mind, then the rest won’t follow.”
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