5 Outrageous ways to get over a breakup with food

When you’ve just been dumped, especially over the phone, email, a text message, or — heaven forbid — a Gchat message, searching for a way to calm yourself can lead to cutting a path directly to the refrigerator.

But why do something as pedestrian as eating an entire box of Donut Gems when you can do something a touch more inventive? Come along on our humorous journey…

Plunk down a hefty chunk of change for a chocolate body wrap at a salon. Ask if you can taste it while you’re being painted. Pout when they say no.

Head to the drugstore and load up a portable shopping basket with enough candy to feed a luxury apartment complex. Talk loudly to the cashier about how you’re definitely not going to eat all of these chocolate bars, and you’re going to give most of them to your coworkers/best friend/little sister/handyman/the needy. Go home, open and eat every last piece, fall into a food coma and wake up in a pile of wrappers, like the town mayor did in the movie Chocolat. You might be 10 pounds heavier, but you’ve at least forgotten about your ex for eight hours or so. Tradeoffs!

Cruellers? Check. Jelly doughnuts? Double-check. Grab a fistful of toothpicks, and you’re all set to re-create Garth’s famous pastry death scene from Wayne’s World. “Hey, Mr. Donut Man, who’s tryin’ to kill ya?” “I don’t know, but they better not…” Cue the jelly “guts.” This works especially well if you’re in a semi-public place (like a deli) and you pretend Donut Man is your ex.

Next, look around the coffee shop furtively for someone who understands you. Or at least your jokes.

Budget-permitting, purchase every luscious-looking flavor of ice cream in the grocery store (pints are nicest-looking) and line your freezer with them, like they do with Cristal Champagne and Perrier on MTV’s Cribs. Consider stacking the door shelves with those single-serving mini pints of Ben and Jerry’s, because what is not to love about a mini ice cream?

Stand in front of the open door, frost billowing out, and say, “This is where the magic happens,” before closing your eyes and blindly picking whatever flavor your outstretched hand touches first. Eat while watching a marathon of… MTV’s Cribs. (And maybe fantasizing about shacking up with Ludacris.) So meta.

Spend all morning over the stove making a groosling soup with chives and parsnips, just like Katniss fed to Peeta in the first The Hunger Games book. (Kill a groosling with your bare hands if you have to… or just substitute a chicken from the poultry aisle.) Put the soup in a silver pot with a handle. Dress in your best arena-friendly attire. Walk over to your ex’s house. Hold the pot aloft and say, “[Ex’s name here]! I will keep you alive at all costs! Eat this and sleep so I can save us!”

Put the container on his doorstep. Aim a homemade arrow at his window. Shoot it. When it accidentally veers into shrubbery, run.

In all seriousness, even though we’ve had fun with this story, using food as a substitute for help getting over a breakup isn’t a healthy idea. If you want to calm yourself without emptying the refrigerator, you can use the tried-and-true method of calling a friend to vent, or do something else that we love, which is make yourself a cup of tea. By the time the water boils (10 or so minutes) and the tea steeps (however long you like to leave the bag in your mug), you’ll have bought yourself about 15 minutes of sanity.

In her book Bird by Bird, author Anne Lamott once said this about writing: “That thing you had to force yourself to do — the actual act of writing — turns out to be the best part. It’s like discovering that while you thought you needed the tea ceremony for the caffeine, what you really needed was the tea ceremony.” We like the idea of a “ceremony” that’s all our own, especially after a tough split. (And if you’re looking for some truly divine leaves of inspiration, these gorgeous Dragon Pearl Jasmine sachets from Harney & Sons blew our minds.)

And if you’re determined to take more positive steps to get over a breakup, consider picking up The Frisky 30-Day Breakup Guide for a calendar of doable steps that’ll get you feeling back to normal in no time. (There’s even a recipe for a delish risotto that you — and perhaps a brand-new beau — will swoon over.)

More breakup tips

10 Things not to do after a breakup
How to get your stuff back after a breakup
How to bounce back after a breakup