Great husband, lousy sex?

Congratulations, you’re unusually blessed to be among the ranks of the happily married. You and your husband are best friends and great parents together. You enjoy spending time doing so many things with your husband — except for sex, which politely stated is the low score of your marriage profile. Hey we all know that marriage is about a lot more than sex, but can you really just stuff such a basic urge under the rug?

That’s the kind of thing devastating affairs are made of. Yet the alternative is equally untenable — breaking your lifelong commitment to your best friend over sex. The solution to this major problem is simple: Fix the sex. But can terrible sex improve to the point that it meets your needs? The answer is a resounding “Yes” and here’s how.

Be honest

If your sex life has always been this bad, chances are you haven’t truly been honest with your spouse about the degree of your dissatisfaction. Who wants to kick their guy directly in his err… self-esteem by telling him that he’s a lousy lover? But the time has come to be very direct about the issue because the alternatives would be far more hurtful to him than knowing the truth.

Broach the subject by saying something such as, “Listen, we both know sex is not the greatest highlight of our relationship, but I don’t think you realize how much distress and frustration it’s causing me. And we need to put our heads together to figure out how to fix it.” No doubt, this will hurt his feelings to hear it, but it offers the reassurance that you believe it is remediable, and that you will do so as a team.

Be specific about what turns you off

If you never orgasm during intercourse, tell him. If you have had to fake it, as embarrassing as it will be for both of you, be honest about it. If the way he kisses turns you off, you need to say it, but delicately. Even if the reasons are completely anatomical and the size of his penis doesn’t stimulate your G-spot, yes, you still have to tell him the truth about it. This is the time to let it all out. How can it improve unless you communicate about the details?

Be specific about what turns you on

Criticism is only constructive if you offer viable alternatives. That means you never just tell your hubby he’s a bad lover. You have to verbalize (and show him) exactly how you want him to kiss, touch, fondle and thrust. And don’t offer these instructions like your crotchety sixth grade math teacher. Do it with all the eroticism you can muster, so that expressing your explicit desires becomes integral to the lovemaking.

Be supportive

It is very important that you express pleasure when your mate gets anywhere close to the target. No matter how ‘evolved’ he may be, he’s still a guy. He’s likely dealing with his own insecurities about not being able to please you sexually, and the positive reinforcement will keep him from feeling demoralized as he ascends the learning curve. It doesn’t have to be solely physical pleasure you’re expressing, but rather the emotional satisfaction that he is pushing way out of his comfort zone to come through for you, and that you are reaching an entirely new level of intimacy as a couple in the process.

Outside of the bedroom, make sure you take the time to express these feelings of heightened closeness and admiration for him. Be extra conscious of validating and supporting him in general during this time. Remind him how strong your relationship is, how critically important he is to you and how amazing a husband he is in a million ways.

Be open to professional help

If the two of you give it 60 days to improve your sex life and can’t seem to make much of a dent, consider getting professional help. Find a certified sex therapist with specialized training and experience in sexual counseling by visiting www.aasect.org. If the biggest impediment you’re facing is erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation, find a urologist with excellent credentials and patient reviews. Most men function best sexually when their testosterone levels are at the high end of what is considered normal, so make sure your husband’s is tested regularly.

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