Mom for sale. Runs like new!

Mother of two teenage girls for sale. 49,000 miles. Runs like new! Available seven days a week, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. No sick or personal days. Fifty cents an hour.

Experience:

• Repeats herself over and over and over again.
• Produces plates full of food when there’s “nothing to eat in the house” and the kids are “starving to death.”
• Threatens to charge kids the extra $80 fee slapped onto the monthly orthodontist bill for fixing broken braces after kids “forget” not to chomp on hard foods such as candy (yes, apparently candy is a food group) or giant pretzels in an effort to put their money where their mouth is.
• Maintains a sixth sense that simply knows when something’s not quite right.
• Has eyes in the back of her head.
• Asks completely annoying and unnecessary questions, such as Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time you will be home?
• Always checks in with the other parents.
• Sets embarrassing and ridiculous rules that “no one else’s parents care about,” such as No driving with pimply-faced teenagers; that’s what cabs are for. All skirts and shorts must pass the cheek test, or you are not allowed out of the house. Dinner must be eaten at the table with your family present, not in your room while on FaceTime with friends.
• Doesn’t accept words typed on a screen as a substitute for talking.
• Sleeps with one eye open and a baseball bat under the bed.
• Needs less than a minute’s notice to drive a carload of teens to the movies after their plans changed for the 20th time in less than an hour.
• Possesses demonstrated psychic abilities, such as If you don’t stop rocking in that chair, you are going to break its leg off. When you wash colors with whites, you end up with pink socks. If you don’t take the dog out first thing in the morning, he will pee on the floor.
• Loves unconditionally.
• Never asks to be paid back.
• Will cut off right arm for child without hesitation.
• Insists on writing real thank-you notes, not texts or emails.
• Prays every night before going to sleep: Dear God, Please give me the strength to get through another day without braining my teenagers. Love, Mommy Dearest