Dear Disappointed Coachella Ticket-Holders:
Yes. We know you are very bummed out that Queen Bey has been forced to withdraw from the Coachella lineup due to that teensy-weensy irritating little detail of her being pregnant with twins. Yes, we know she was the headliner. Yes, we know you rearranged your work schedule two years in advance and are missing your best friend’s wedding because you were hoping to glimpse Beyoncé in all of her goddess-y glory.
We’ll just spit it out: You need to get over yourself, m’kay? Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Chill. Have a little compassion for an uncomfortable pregnant woman.
More:Best news of 2017? Bey and Jay are expecting twins
No one knows exactly how far along Bey is in her pregnancy. But if you’ve seen any of her baby announcement photos, you can see for yourself our dear Beyoncé is not just mildly, casually, passingly pregnant. THAT BELLY THO. We’re guessing she’s well into her second trimester, and since Coachella ain’t happening until late April, well…come on. What did you expect? Twins happen. Just ask George and Amal Clooney.
Weeping and the tearing of garments were heard around the globe when Coachella organizers released this statement:
“Following the advice of her doctors to keep a less rigorous schedule in the coming months, Beyoncé has made the decision to forgo performing at the 2017 Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival. However, Goldenvoice and Parkwood are pleased to confirm that she will be a headliner at the 2018 festival. Thank you for understanding.”
As for all the speculation that the announcement might indicate some health problem or trouble with the pregnancy, hush already. Let’s not go there. The fact of the matter is, if you had a 40-pound bag of dog food strapped around your waist with duct tape (oh, just go with it) you might not feel like shimmying and shaking and belting high A flats in stilettos in front of tens of thousands of screaming fans either.
More: Are there secret clues in Beyoncé’s baby announcement album? You betcha
You might just really, really want to put your feet up and Snapchat on your secret account with your firstborn and maybe snuggle with your bae and catch up on Scandal and The Walking Dead before you pop.
“But! But! Her pregnancy didn’t stop her from performing at the 2017 Grammy Awards,” we hear you muttering under your breath out there.
For the love of God and all things Bey-holy: This is a woman who’s got her priorities straight. She gave you what she could. And now? Bey out.
And what about the OB-GYN who talked to USA Today and created mass hyperventilation for Beyoncé fans? The one who said, “In an uncomplicated pregnancy, exercise, dancing, movement is all 100% safe and acceptable and, in fact, encouraged. There is no medical reason for not being active unless there are concerns about the pregnancy.”
Honestly? WTF, Dr. Talebian? We bristle when anyone tells a mother-to-be what she should or should not be doing. Back the hell off, lady, and let the Queen Bey gestate as she likes.
And yes, back to you ticket-holders. We know, your tix will not be refunded, which admittedly is a drag. But you did look at that lineup, right? There’s still time to become a Radiohead fan. Or, you know, a Kendrick Lamar devotee. Get with the times.
And anyway, there are some nice national parks out that way, we hear. You’ll get through this somehow. We promise.
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