Finally, Parent Report Cards Are Here

Dear parents,

We’re so happy the first month of school went well! We’re sending this memo out to announce an exciting initiative we’re implementing for this (first) marking period: Parent report cards. Since we assign your kids three hours per day of homework to compete with schools in wealthy districts — or rather, in other countries — your help is critical to maintain our success. We’re being judged, so you should be judged.

Our parent report cards will evaluate you in the below five categories.

Participation
What do the following events have in common: PTA Trike-A-Thon, Yoga-Thon, Kale-a-Thon, Autumnal Equinox Luncheon, Costume Parade, 100th Day of School, plus graduations from kindergarten, first, second, third, fourth and fifth grades? The answer is: We scheduled them in the middle of the day, so you need to ask your boss for more days off work! This is a wake-up call to stop working so many hours, moms (we would say “moms and dads,” but we have 23 kids in the class, and 23 emergency forms came back signed by mom, with mom listed as the primary contact. Do kids in this class even have dads?)

Not only do frequent visits to the classroom show you care, but they’re a terrific way to get to know your kids’ teachers and find out whether they prefer their gift cards to come from Dunkin’ Donuts or Target.

Habits & Attitudes
It’s been three years; isn’t it time to stop complaining about common core math? Your children pick up your attitudes. A positive outlook goes a long way! I realize you’d rather utilize the methods your own teachers taught you when you were in the third grade, but do you remember what else they taught you? That everyone would be using the metric system by 1978. How’d that work out?

Also regarding attitudes: Children learn from their parents’ examples, especially when it comes to following rules. This means not stealing photography. What are we talking about? Well, we read your mommy blogs, and we saw that a certain parent who shall go unnamed, but let’s just call her “Cayden’s mom,” wrote that she never orders school photos because “I just go to the website and right-click on them.” Unless she learns the error of her ways this year, Cayden’s mom will be receiving an F.

Reading
Please make sure you’re filling out the reading logs every night, including weekends. Faking the reading logs is unacceptable. If you claim that you read Mo Willems, we will ask your children why the pigeon is sad, and if they don’t know why the pigeon is sad, you’ll be required to explain exactly why the pigeon is sad.

More:It’s Time to Say Goodbye to “Sexy” Halloween Costumes for Little Girls

Writing
Did you write a letter to the Weekly Gazette now that the school board wants teachers to give back our 1.5 percent raises in exchange for a half-day off for Purim? That would be a great way to set an example of writing and civic engagement. On the other hand, writing letters to the editor in praise of private schools would be a very bad way to demonstrate your writing skills.

Math/computers
Besides familiarizing yourself with the common core, please note that we now teach your children coding starting in preschool. Because do you even know what Python is? (If you responded by saying, “It’s a flesh wound” or “We are the Knights who say Ni” you are seriously dating yourself.)

More:10 Life Hacks All Moms Need

In conclusion, we’re glad you understand the importance of participating in your child’s education. Please make sure you (mom) sign and return this memo within the next three days or you may forget and hold up the post-Columbus Day parent-student luncheon. And yes, in the interest of equality, you are welcome to wait a week for your partner or another fellow caregiver to sign the form, because we understand the totally equal parenting relationship that you have.

Meanwhile, please start working on costumes for our 50th day of school and tell your boss you need to take off for “50th day of school graduation.” We know you’re busy working parents who probably also spend more than an hour each day calling your health insurance provider, but trust us: There are ways to fit everything in. You can have it all. See you soon!

Sincerely,

Your Superintendent

Disclaimer: The above is a piece of humor writing. Parents, we sincerely hope you never get a report card again.