Clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy recently took time to give a guest lecture at Duke University, and though the point was to speak to the kids in that lecture hall, her message has since gone viral and touched college kids, parents, teens, and adults alike. The renowned child development and parenting expert — who is respectfully known as Dr. Becky — spoke to college students about resilience.
When asked what resilience feels like, one student said she thinks the word has a positive connotation. “But when you’re being resilient, it definitely does not feel positive,” she added.
That “beautiful” point launched Dr. Becky into a now-viral lecture about resilience and the nagging feeling that comes with it.
“Being resilient doesn’t feel resilient at all,” she told the students. “It feels so messy.”
The mom of three then wrote on the chalkboard (with chalk! So retro!) the words “not knowing” and “knowing.”
“The space between not knowing something and knowing something is really painful,” she told the class, “especially if you fashioned yourself to be someone who’s academically talented because then it almost feels like your academic success or your identity as a smart person is tied to knowing.”
But what about when you’re in the space on the chalkboard (!!!) between those two words? Dr. Becky then drew a squiggly line — with high highs and low lows — and called it “the learning space.” It’s a space that’s applicable to everything from learning ABCs to learning something at work.
“And what I think is really empowering to know is the learning space has one feeling associated with it,” she said. “Frustration.”
“That’s literally how learning feels,” she continued. “And if you think about that, then frustration becomes this actually, like almost amazing thing you can learn to love even though it’s painful because you’re like, ‘This is actually a sign that I’m learning.'”
It really is such a powerful way of reframing all the angst that can come with not knowing something.
And so where does resilience fit in? Well, Dr. Becky argues that resilience and success don’t come from knowing things ASAP. They come from the amount of time a person can withstand being in the learning space.
“Resilience and success comes from the length of time you can just tolerate being in [the learning space]. So longer you can tolerate being [there] … the more you’ll eventually come to this,'” she says, pointing to the word “knowing.”
*Mic drop*
This snippet from Dr. Becky’s lecture in Professor Aaron Dinin’s “Learning to Fail” class has the internet reeling. While plenty argue that there is more than just one feeling associated with The Learning Space (excitement, humility, vulnerability), others feel like their mind has been blown and are so appreciative of this video.
“Excellent!” one follower said. “Never thought of it that way … I will face frustration differently from now on.”
“Ahh this is 🔥 wish someone had broken it down for me like this in my formative years,” another added.
“This is possibly the most eye-opening and meaningful thing I have ever come across on social media,” one person commented. “Ever. ‘Frustration tolerance’ has blown me away.”
“This should be every college student’s first lecture on a yearly basis,” another insisted.
And, honestly, we would argue the same should be true for students of all ages. On the first day of school each year, teachers should remind kids that there could be a lot of frustration ahead. And that’s a good thing. And while we’re pitching ideas, why not adults too? At the start of each new year, instead of coming up with a New Year’s Resolution and being frustrated when they don’t stick to it, they should rewatch this lecture — and remember that frustration is a good thing.
Add these beautiful children’s picture books by Black authors and artists to your kids’ shelves.
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