The Signs of Toxic Parenting Aren’t Always Obvious — Could You Be Missing Them?

Parenting is anything but easy, and (much to many parents’ dismay) there’s no one-size-fits all manual for how to do it right. Instead, we all have to figure things out as we go along. So we do the best we can — and we all screw up at one point or another. That’s totally normal. The problem? When our screw-ups turn into the status quo. It’s surprisingly easy to fall into bad habits and patterns without even realizing our child-rearing style has taken a turn for the toxic.

Of course we’d never intentionally hurt our kids, but many of us may be projecting our own insecurities and issues onto them in a way that is damaging. The good news: Recognizing toxic parenting patterns is the first step to ditching them for good.

We spoke to four mental health and relationship experts to find out which parental behaviors have the potential to damage the relationship parents have with their children.

First, it helps to have a definition of “toxicity” to work with, since the term has come to encompass a whole slew of less-than-healthy relationship tactics. “Toxicity within this context would mean behaviors that are transmitted unto children that could potentially cause them direct or indirect harm,” says licensed marriage and family specialist Kingsley Grant.

Modeling healthy relationship dynamics is absolutely vital. “[Our children] are a reflection of us,” Grant notes. “Remember, their actions are learned, and they are mostly learned from those who are most influential in their lives — namely, parents.”

So what kinds of actions could cause a child direct or indirect harm? Regularly losing your temper in an explosive way with your kids, for starters. Extreme displays of emotion are one of the more obvious signs that a parent may have a toxic relationship with their child.

Even if you aren’t flying off the handle at your children as a conflict-resolution technique, they’re still learning from you. Translation: When parents have knock-down drag-outs, kids notice.

“These children will not know that there are alternative ways to manage conflicts because this is all they know and have learned,” says Grant. “Their use of this approach in conflictual situations could lead to being hurt physically, emotionally or mentally. It could also lead to disciplinary issues in school.”

Anger might seem like an obvious sign of toxicity, but it isn’t just screaming that parents should avoid. Turning your kids into a shoulder to lean on is another problematic sign of toxic parenting. Weeping in front of your children (again, regularly) as a victim is a toxic behavior. We should let our children know it’s OK to be human and have feelings — but bringing them into adult issues revolving around conflicts and slights, real or perceived, is a no-no. You should be your kids’ support system, not the other way around. It’s parents’ responsibility to find an appropriate outlet for their own big emotions — and that outlet shouldn’t be your kids.

In fact, recognizing what is and isn’t part of a healthy parent-child relationship is key to eliminating toxic behavior. If you find yourself habitually confiding in your kids or hoping they’ll alleviate your stress, that’s not a good sign, says licensed marriage and family therapist Meredith Silversmith.

“For example, a parent has a fear of flying, and when their child talks about taking a trip on a plane, [a toxic parent will] share their concerns and anxieties because it’s too uncomfortable to think about their child being on a plane,” says Silversmith. “Over time, the child can take on these worries as their own and carry them for their parent.”

Expecting a child to take on an adult role like that is unhealthy and will likely cause more problems down the road. So too will the common — and often well-meaning — mistake that parents make when they project their own aspirations and shortcomings onto kids instead of allowing them to be individuals.

“When a baby is born, parents have so many hopes and wishes for their future and for their life. As this child gets older, becomes more independent … it can be challenging for some parents to adapt,” Silversmith explains. “In these situations, a parent may continually push a child to follow his or her (the parent’s) dreams or a parent may speak and act as if his or her wishes and interests are the child’s, even in the face of other information. Under these circumstances, the child may begin to feel their needs and desires are not important.”

These are all great examples of broader toxic behaviors, but let’s get even more specific. Since a lot of parents are only doing or saying what they think is best for their kids, it can be hard to check yourself — especially if nothing seems out of the ordinary.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus, a parent coach and co-founder at Impact ADHD, says the following phrases and behaviors are good indicators that all is not well:

If your kid says, “You never listen to me,” you need to ask yourself if you’re really listening.

If your kids complain about the same thing repeatedly, you might want to ask yourself if you’re responding to their concerns.

If you find yourself constantly identifying the ways in which other people are responsible for the upsets in your home, but never take responsibility yourself — or if you’re convinced family drama is always someone else’s fault — you may be part of the problem.

If you’re screaming or yelling more than you’d like, you should reevaluate your reactions.

Grant weighs in with an extremely succinct and surefire determinant of toxic parenting. “We can tell when we are being toxic when our children begin to behave in like manner … a parent will see similar patterns of behavior within their children, and the place to begin correcting the behaviors is to correct it in ourselves as parents.”