We Need To Remember That Parents Have Milestones, Too

At your weekly playdate, Bobby’s mom is raving about how he’s starting to walk, talk, and do other “big kid” things. 

As you wipe the nose of your still-crawling and cranky 1-year-old, you try to avoid feeling judged, but it’s hard.

As parents, we’re bombarded with information. There’s so much to keep track of. It can be impossible to keep up with other people’s expectations of us. We put loads of unnecessary pressure on ourselves, and it’s easy to lose sight of our own needs.

Many parents ignore their needs for so long that when their children grow up, they don’t know who they are.

This is why it’s important to prioritize our parental developmental milestones.

Real Adulthood

We’re adults the day we turn 18, right? Well, sort of. We can do things like buy a lottery ticket, vote, or buy a house. But actual adulthood is more than just another birthday. It requires developing a fully integrated sense of who we are.

The biggest growth happens between the ages of 20 to 40, says developmental psychologist Dr. Sasha Heinz, Ph. D MAPP.

Becoming a real adult isn’t just about becoming better and smarter. It’s about making sense of our world, increasing our thinking ability, and self-analyzing in all situations life throws at us, says Heinz.

Adults have milestones too!

Just because our number of years on earth is advancing doesn’t mean our minds are too. Some people can stay in an immature state for their entire lives. Many people have a hard time seeing and understanding different perspectives, even as adults. 

Heinz says the first step is to change the way we think about developmental milestones. This will help us gain an independent sense of self and start to mature socially. Over time our self-awareness increases. We become wiser, and we’re better able to control our behavior and manage relationships.

So what can you do?

Dr. Heinz provided five tips to get you started:

There are so many outside influences on parents today. Between social media, family members, and other parents, it can feel like a constant need to live up to expectations. But what about your rules?

Start by taking an inventory of all of the rules you’ve put in place. Choose one and really dig in. Where did this rule come from? If this rule wasn’t around, what would your parenting be like? Does this rule make sense? Do you even like this rule? Your answers might surprise you.

Perhaps you think that happy families go on yearly vacations. Why do you think this is part of raising children? Where did this rule come from? Does it make sense for your family financially? Do you even think it would be a good time, or would it cause you more stress? 

For each, ask yourself how this person or thing came to be in your life. If they were important at one time, does that importance still exist? Do you worry about removing it from your life? If so, for what reason? 

Is there an outside factor that is affecting how you respond to the person or thing? Outside factors might include other people’s opinions, a sense of duty you feel tethered to, or a self-image you feel you have to uphold.

After you have a list, look for themes. Heinz suggests talking this through with a therapist. 

Start by thinking about how you define success in general. What does it mean to be a good parent? What does a “good day” look like for your family?

If your idea of a good day with your family consists of waking up completely refreshed and cooking a well-balanced and nutritious breakfast together while everyone says “yes, mom” all day — you might need to rethink your idea of success. Keep it realistic and achievable for your family.

Watch what they do and listen to what they say. Learn about how they think. How do they act when conflict arises? Find similarities and differences you share. What are their expectations and assumptions about parenting compared to yours?

This is one of the most important things you can do as a parent. A great way to start is to spend time alone, we know – it’s easier said than done. It doesn’t have to be an entire day. Take five or ten extra minutes before you close your eyes at night. Sit quietly and think. Writing in a journal is a great tool for this.

Think about your favorite things. What do you like to do for fun without your kids? What’s your favorite movie besides Encanto? What makes you feel most proud? If you could stop doing one thing without judgment from others, what would it be?

Get Uncomfortable 

These steps might seem silly, and that’s OK. The more you do them, the easier they get. Eventually, taking these inventories will be a natural way of thinking. 

Working through our developmental milestones requires that we let go of acquired priorities from our families, cultures, or the media. We get to decide if we are “good enough.”

Heinz calls this the “self-authored mind.” Those who have reached this developmental stage care about other people and see their experiences as valid. They have their own opinions and begin to move about the world using their own personal values even in situations where they face opposition, adds Heinz. 

Think of this “adult-development” practice as an addition to your regular self-care toolbox. Everyone should have a self-care toolbox. What’s in yours?

And remember, It’s not about becoming the best parent there ever was. It’s about continuing to grow as a person and being the best parent for your child. If you’re reading this, you’re likely already pretty darn good at it.