Christmas magic is in the air. The kids have made their lists to send off to the North Pole, where, with any luck, a jolly old man in a red suit will make most of their wishes and dreams come true. But last holiday season, I watched my then-9-year-old closely. I paid attention to the questions she asked and the logic she laid out regarding Mr. Claus. And while she hasn’t directly come out and said it, in my heart, I know this is the year she’ll stop believing. And let me tell you, it’s giving me all kinds of mixed feelings.
The moment I realized that this might be the last year, or that maybe the moment had already passed, I was heartbroken. It’s an odd thing to watch your children grow up and take on the world. Logically, I know this is what successful parenting looks like. Bringing up kids to be kind, empathetic, and well-adjusted to the world. And while Santa isn’t the only thing that makes Christmas magical, it’s been incredible to see that magic light up her eyes and her heart. It was one of the more simple joys the holiday season brought, and now that too is changing.
I don’t remember exactly at what age I stopped believing, but what I do remember is it all came about because a few girls from school shattered the illusion at a sleepover. Needless to say, my mom was less than thrilled. Not because I stopped believing, but because she didn’t have the opportunity to tell me in her own way. So as my oldest daughter approaches an age where her schoolmates are making comments that make her question this Christmas magic, I need to find a way to deal with this on my terms.
I am the oldest of four siblings, so while I may have known the reality of how those gifts found their way into our stockings and under the Christmas tree, it was something I had to keep to myself. But this time around with my older daughter, I don’t want Christmas magic to be blown out like a candle. Instead, I want to involve her in different ways. And this is where, on one hand, things get a little easier — she’ll get to be mom’s holiday helping elf.
I think about letting her stay up to help me wrap gifts while most of the house is asleep. I smile when I imagine her coming up with new entanglements for our elf on the shelf, Ellie, to delight her little sister. Getting to bond with her in this new special way, just the two of us, gets me so excited. She’s been exerting more and more independence, like going off with friends to the movies (when she used to only love family movie nights). Or deciding she wants to share the newest chatter in class with her friend as they talk on the phone instead of telling me at bedtime. No longer am I the center of her world.
I won’t lie: sometimes the sad feelings outweigh the excitement of new traditions. Yes, that was me you heard wallowing in my sorrows and sobbing about my little girl growing up too soon the other day. But at the same time, it’s inevitable. It’s going to happen. So why not relish creating even more Christmas memories together, just in a different way?
Though sometimes I wonder. Could I be reading all these signs wrong? Yes, she’s asked how it is that Santa always knows everything, and I know I’ve definitely heard her throw a ‘thank you so much Santa’ while looking at me on Christmas morning. Maybe it’s my mind trying to prepare my heart for what I know will come someday — sooner than I am ready for, but not quite yet. After all, I’m not sure how is it that she is steadfast in her support for our elf but isn’t totally sold on the whole Santa idea. I mean, literally, aren’t elves supposed to be his helpers?
Could she be afraid if she admits that she no longer believes that somehow it will change everything and all the blissful holiday magic will just disappear? In fact, when I’ve talked with other moms about this particular situation, they mention how they’ve told their children that if they stop believing, Santa will stop coming. Really, folks? Bribing my child into thinking there is only one way to spread Christmas cheer just isn’t my style. Besides, sharing the real magic of Christmas with my daughter — spending time together baking cookies and decorating — is really what the season is all about. And shopping, of course; she’ll absolutely love to get in on that too.
Even though I have mixed feelings about my tween giving up Santa, I take comfort that there are still many more Santa-filled years yet to come. Her younger sister and little cousins will believe for a long time still, so it’s definitely not the end. It’s just the beginning of new traditions we’ll create together to experience the magic of Christmas in a different way.
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