I’ve been a mother for almost 18 years now, and we’d be here all day if I were to list every single aspect of motherhood that has taken me by surprise in the course of raising four children. It’s a trip — to put it mildly — and there are a ton of things that every helpful article and “what to expect” book in the world simply cannot prepare you for. But when I reflect on all of them, these are the things that stand out the most as the biggest, hardest truths I’ve had to learn.
Your children will get on your nerves.
Nobody wants to admit that there are days when they wonder if they perhaps … should have put more thought into becoming a parent. But, oh, there are days. It may not happen for the first few months of your child’s life, but hear this: the moment they start demanding things and being whiny and impossible to reason with — which they 100% will — you’ll be second-guessing whether you’re cut out for this parenting gig. This is precisely why getting a break every now and then is so, so vitally important.
This will make you feel guilty.
Other moms on social media seem so patient and, well, good at motherhood. You may even know one in person: the type who never seems annoyed with her kids’ incessant questions, who genuinely enjoys their company at all times, who posts sweet pictures of them with syrupy platitudes about how being a mom is just the best. And because of her, you’ll feel deserving of the World’s Crappiest Mom trophy on those days when everyone is cranky and you’re struggling. But guess what? Even those perfect moms get tired of their kids sometimes; you just aren’t around to see it.
Before having kids, my husband and I battled five long years of infertility, during which it was unbelievably painful to hear people complaining about their children when that was literally all I wanted. “If I get to have kids,” I vowed, “I’ll never do that.” Surprise! I DO. It is the nature of being a mom, no matter how badly you wanted to be one. Which brings us to the next point …
You will change your mind … a lot.
When my oldest was born, I said I’d breastfeed exclusively. I said he would only watch educational television and I would limit any screen time. I said I’d never lose my temper with him, instead relying on gentle parenting methods to talk him though every tantrum. I said when he started eating regular food, it would all be low-sugar and organic and free of anything artificial. But you know what? Every one of those things — which, at one time, were going to be hard-and-fast rules in my mind — fell by the wayside. And I’m happy to report that despite it, my kids are all just fine.
You’ll perpetually wonder if everybody’s kids go through this, or if it’s just yours.
And by “this,” I mean any one of the myriad of phases they’ll go through during childhood: the picky eater phase. The “no-pants” phase. The whining about absolutely everything phase. The lying phase. The backtalking phase. While your kid is going through any of these stages, you’ll be hyper-sensitive to the feeling that everybody else’s kids are perfectly normal, and you must’ve made some horrible parenting mistake. It’s hard to ask someone, because you don’t want to hear that your kid might be some sort of weird anomaly, so you Google and hope. But don’t worry, because all kids do this … whatever “this” may be at the time.
You will be deeply affected by the news.
Once you become a mom, anything even remotely tragic will cut you like a knife — especially if it’s a story involving kids, because it will be accompanied by panic-inducing thoughts like “What if that were my child?” But even regular old current events take on a new level of stress as you realize that this is the world your kids are growing up in, and the problems they’ll have to face as adults.
You’ll miss your non-mom life and your childfree self.
Before actually having kids, it’s impossible to fathom the huge amount of personal sacrifice it takes to raise them. It’s like trying to imagine being famous: you have an image in your mind of what it would be like, but until you’re actually in that situation, there’s just no way to know. Once you become a mother, you’ll long for the halcyon days of spontaneous road trips, uninterrupted reading (or sleeping!), solo visits to the bathroom, deciding to leave the house and just … leaving the house. Every aspect of your life — from lounging to shopping, no matter how mundane — becomes different. You will miss those days when you had the freedom to be as self-centered as you wanted. (And then, you guessed it — you’ll feel guilty about that too!)
Nobody will think your kids are as awesome as you do.
My first bitter taste of this phenomenon came when my oldest son learned to wave, and it was just so freaking cute. He’d wave adorably from the cart at random people in the grocery store, and while a few would wave back, others would just look at him and walk past. I wanted to yell, “This baby was waving at you, you jerk! Wave back!” How could they not see how sweet this little guy was being, and take the time out of their shopping to acknowledge him? Hmmph.
It doesn’t stop with things like this, though. When they’re toddlers acting a fool in public, and people are casting judgmental glances, you get the urge to explain: “He’s not a brat, I promise! He just hasn’t had his nap today!” When they’re in school, and you get called because they’ve gotten into some sort of trouble, you desperately wish you could show their teacher the wonderful kid they can be at home. But the reality is, nobody else — except for (hopefully) your child’s other parent, and possibly grandparents — will ever see your kid for the gem they really are and praise them accordingly.
Having one kid isn’t easy, but it’s a lot less tough than having two or more.
Back when my husband and I only had our first child to worry about, we had a little more freedom. There was one nap schedule, one feeding schedule, one little body to clothe and feed and maintain. Once our second came along, though, it was like juggling — and each subsequent kid was another ball added to the rotation, which makes it exponentially more tricky. With more than one kid, you have to consider each individual’s ever-changing needs and schedules. And if you think it gets easier as they get older and more self-sufficient … well, it does in some aspects, but just wait until they all get social lives and extracurricular activities and you’re the one managing it all. Talk about juggling!
You’ll never feel 100% confident in any of your parenting decisions.
You will second-guess yourself constantly, with almost every decision you make on your kids’ behalf, no matter how trivial it is (and if that decision backfires — which it does sometimes! — you will blame yourself). With every new baby you bring into the family, you’ll feel almost as clueless as you did when you were a first-time mom. You will wonder if you’re raising them right, if you’re doing enough to support them, if you’re striking a good enough balance between strict and permissive.
You have to learn to seem happy when you’re actually … not.
No one says you have to be sunshine and roses in front of your kids 24/7, but there are definitely periods of time — sometimes long ones — where all you want to do is lie around and be mopey. Whether it’s just a bad day (thanks, PMS) or you’re going through some substantially heavy life stuff, there are times when you want nothing more than to wallow in your sorrows. But our little ones are perceptive, and it isn’t a kid’s place to shoulder grownup problems, so you have to soldier on like everything is fine. You do it, for their sake, but it’s hard.
It’s painful when they start to pull away.
There comes a time in every kid’s life when they become less dependent on you, and while that sounds like a dream when in the trenches of toddlerhood, it’s a hard pill to swallow when it actually happens. Realizing that you are no longer the epicenter of their universe, and that there are people they’d rather spend time with than you — or worse, that you’re near the bottom of the list of people they want to spend time with now — is tough. No two ways about it.
Despite all this, you’ll love them with an intensity that will amaze you.
Even on those days when your kids have driven you to the absolute brink of insanity, you would still go to any lengths to protect them from harm. You’ll look at them while they’re (finally) asleep, or during one of those rare quiet moments, and your heart will melt into a puddle. And this sums up the magic of motherhood: it is both the best and the hardest experience of your life, but you can’t imagine having it any other way.
… Even if you do fantasize about that sometimes.
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