With the holidays quickly approaching, there will inevitably be scenarios where friends and relatives will come after the children with arms (and possibly even lips) outstretched. It can be hard not to prompt our kids to oblige, especially if we ourselves grew up in a generation where refusing a hug or kiss was considered rude.
A lot of us were children during a time when talk of bodily autonomy was … not as much of a thing. I can’t tell you how many forced-but-polite hugs I grudgingly issued as a kid to great-aunts and uncles at family reunions, face pressed to scratchy sweaters, smelling like old lady perfume for hours afterward. I’m not saying this is the reason for my people-pleasing tendency — which to this day is a constant thorn in my side — but according to experts, it definitely could have been a contributing factor.
“Forcing a child to hug or kiss a relative, even with the best intentions, can send a message that their comfort and personal boundaries are less important than pleasing others,” says Michelle King, LMFT. “This can lead to confusion as they grow older and encounter situations where they need to assert their boundaries.”
Teaching your kids it’s OK to have boundaries doesn’t just prevent them from becoming a doormat later in life — it helps keep them safe too. Insisting on kids hugging relatives against their will can send conflicting messages, says Pareen Sehat, MC, RCC, causing confusion about who controls their bodies. “Forcing physical affection can create a dangerous precedent,” Sehat tells SheKnows. “It suggests that there are times when others dictate what happens to their bodies. This misconception might lead children to think something else. They may think inappropriate touches are acceptable, especially from familiar faces.”
This is important to remember, because — according to the CDC — 91% percent of child sexual abuse is perpetrated by people the child or their family knows and trusts. Letting kids dictate their own personal boundaries is “essential,” stresses Eric Chaghouri, MD. “It protects them from falling into unsafe situations and forms of abuse.” If we don’t recognize and honor those boundaries, we send them the message that affection can be forced. When a child is forced to hug someone, they learn that affection is not something that is freely given, but something that can be taken.
So how do we teach kids that it’s fine to decline? Laurie Hollman, PhD, LCSW advises talking to them beforehand if there will likely be touchy-feely attendees at an event. “Tell the child something like, ‘Mary tends to be a bit grabby and expect hugs and kisses. If you don’t want to give a hug or kiss because it doesn’t feel good, then simply don’t, and that’s fine. It’s always up to you, not the grown-up, when you hug and kiss and who you hug and kiss,'” she says. Hollman adds that if your child is worried about hurting someone’s feelings, you can let them know that their hugs belong to them and they get to choose who receives them — and if the adult looks upset, it isn’t their job to fix it. If someone needs to smooth things over, you’ll be right there.
You can also remind your kid that there are other perfectly acceptable ways to show acknowledgement and affection that don’t feel as intrusive, like a fist bump, a handshake, a high-five, a wave, or blowing a kiss. That way they can respect their boundaries without feeling like they’re being disrespectful.
If you don’t get a chance to prepare your child beforehand, there are a few things you can do in the moment. “Stepping in and politely advocating for your child by explaining that they are feeling a bit shy and suggesting a wave and a smile can be helpful,” says Ryan Sultan, MD.
Parents can also illustrate that “no” can be said with a gesture. “The parent can intercede if an adult asks for a hug and the parent sees the child’s avoidance as they back away,” says Dr. Hollman. You can simply lift your hand facing the adult in that universal “stop” gesture, and most often the other adult will catch on and refrain from pressuring the child. “If the other adult misses the cue, the parent can physically step a bit between the pressuring adult and the uncomfortable child,” Dr. Hollman advises.
Another way to intervene with a more insistent hugger is to say something. “Addressing the situation privately with the relative and explaining your parenting approach and your child’s boundaries is an option for more delicate situations,” says Dr. Sultan. Just explain directly to the hugger that you’re teaching your child about consent and bodily autonomy and that they may not feel comfortable hugging or kissing just yet. Sehat adds that open communication with relatives can help them understand your approach — and points out that “When children do express affection willingly, it becomes more meaningful than forced displays.”
Sure, it can be a little awkward to explain to someone why your kid doesn’t want to hug or kiss them, but ultimately the messages your child receives are more important than shielding a relative from a little disappointment or surprise. “The goal isn’t to offend relatives or make anyone feel rejected. It’s about teaching children that their bodies are their own, that they have a right to establish their own comfort zones, and that it’s okay to express these boundaries,” says King.
By letting our kids make their own choices about giving and receiving physical affection, we can establish an understanding of consent and bodily autonomy from an early age —while also letting them know that their feelings are valid. And of all the gifts they might receive at a holiday get-together, that might be the most important of all.
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