This One Change Can Make You a More Peaceful Parent

If you purchase an independently reviewed product or service through a link on our website, SheKnows may receive an affiliate commission.

How often do you reach for a drink or a glass of wine after a long, hard day of parenting? If it’s at least a few times a week, you’re not alone. A staggering 7.5 million parents in the United States consume alcohol regularly. That’s about one in ten parents! While having a glass of wine or a beer may seem like a harmless way to unwind and relax from the demands of parenthood, it could be what’s preventing you from being the peaceful and present parent you long to be.

I vividly remember choosing the shortest books possible and rushing through the stories at bedtime. Clenching my teeth as my boys asked for one more story, a glass of water, or for me to lay down with them because I was moments away from finally getting to crack open my bottle of wine, pour myself a glass, and shut down for a few hours. With each request my fuse got shorter, and my temper would rise.

I desperately wanted to be a peaceful parent, but it seemed as if my ability to be a peaceful parent was limited to a few hours between when I came home from work and when bedtime began. I could think of so many reasons why it was hard to be a peaceful parent: the stress that followed me home from work, how thinly stretched I felt at the end of the day, and the list of obligations that always seemed to be growing. The one reason that I never considered was my drinking.

That illusion was shattered the day I asked my 4-year-old to come sit with me and he told me (with the honesty only a child can have), “No. I don’t want to. Your teeth are purple and your breath smells funny!”

At that moment I was so angry, upset, and wildly disappointed. Not with him but with myself. Here I was telling myself that the wine was what allowed me to be a more present, engaged, and peaceful parent and my child had just glaringly proven to me that was anything but true.

Maybe you haven’t experienced the joy of having your child tell you that you resemble a smelly, purple monster to them but you have been trying to figure out where the disconnect is between you and the type of parent you’d like to be.

Despite what our friends, the media, and even our physicians might tell us, it could be that winding down with alcohol at the end of the day is what is winding us up instead. Research has shown that alcohol consumption can have a negative impact on parenting and mindfulness. That’s because alcohol is a depressant, which means it slows down your central nervous system, making it difficult to focus and be patient with your kids. It can increase stress, decrease patience, and impair our ability to be emotionally attuned to our children’s needs.

When we’re under the influence of alcohol, we may be more likely to react impulsively, lash out in frustration, or tune out our children’s needs altogether. Rather than modeling healthy coping mechanisms and showing our kids how to effectively process their emotions, we end up teaching them that it’s best to just numb out using alcohol. Our seemingly-harmless escape can actually cause much greater harm than we realize. The effects might not be evident immediately, but they do resurface, often during the most critical phase of our kids’ development — their adolescent years.

No matter how old your children are (this even includes those of you with adult children), it’s never too late to change your relationship with alcohol and adopt practices that allow you to be a more peaceful parent. And so much of what you’ll be practicing can be done alongside your child.

Get curious about your relationship with alcohol.

Research what alcohol actually does and how it impacts you, your emotions, your health, and your relationships. Explore and reshape your beliefs around how you use alcohol and if it’s truly benefitting you. Podcasts, quit-lit books, and searching hashtags like #alcoholfree or #sobercurious are all great ways to start your journey.

Find other ways to relax and de-stress.

You might think you’ve tried it all when it comes to de-stressing, but don’t be afraid to try something new. We’ve had people find a new way to unwind by trying everything from karaoke to kickboxing to knitting. There are all sorts of ways to reduce stress levels without the negative effects of alcohol and half the fun is in trying them all out and seeing what works best for you. You can also try out these practices while spending time with your kids, allowing you to not only be engaged in their lives but also to teach them healthy ways to handle stress and anxiety.

Let go of the shame and the guilt.

There are no perfect parents. We’re all doing the best we can, and we all make mistakes. Your ability to make mistakes, acknowledge them, and grow from them is one of the best examples of healthy development you can set for your children. Share with them how you’re working on encouraging yourself with positive self-talk, new knowledge, and support from others.

Finally, remember that changing your relationship with alcohol doesn’t mean that you have a problem with it. You can question the role alcohol plays in your life for reasons that have nothing to do with how much you drink or how often you drink. It’s okay to explore why you drink and to determine, for yourself, if that still sits right with you or not. Living authentically never needs justification.

Annie Grace is a bestselling author with over a million copies sold of titles like This Naked Mind and The Alcohol Experiment. She continues to research the role of alcohol in our lives and culture without rules, pain or judgment and offers freedom to those looking for it through her experiments, events and the popular This Naked Mind Podcast which has been downloaded over 24 million times. In her free time, Annie loves to ski, travel (26 countries and counting), and enjoy her beautiful family. She lives with her husband and three children in the Colorado mountains.